In Re: The Irreverand Friday Jones and The Church of the SubGenius v.
Papa Joe Mama, 12 Quijibo 10 (1999)
Perhaps the most prevalent event at XX-Day "99 was the Trial and
Punishment of Papa Joe Mama. While I do not pretend to know the full
story, some things have been taken as fact, and I will present these
briefly. I have also done my best to analyze and report on the Church
of the SubGenius" Kangaroo Court proceedings, as well as Papa Joe"s
punishment.
At some point during the last week of April 30, 1999, an individual
identifying himself as "Joe from Tallahasee" called into the Talk of
the Nation news show on National Public Radio (NPR). The Colombine
High School massacre had just taken place, and the news media was hot
to talk about this new event. The topic of conversation for the
program centered on violence in today"s public schools. Joe talked
about a possible link between the TrenchCoat Mafia and the Church of
the SubGenius (CotSG). He suggested, among other things, that Bob
Dobb"s trademark pipe was symbolic of pipe-bombs, and that the CotSG"s
"devivals" were in fact meeting places for young kids bent on violence
and destruction to meet and plot out their next attacks. I will not
elaborate on the content of his speech, but a complete transcript is
available at
http://www.subgenius.com/bigfis?/X003_Joes_next_in_Tallaha.htm.
In response to this call, concerned listeners in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, alerted Cambridge City Councilman Ken Reeves that a
Devival was scheduled for Friday, April 30, 1999. They expressed their
concern that there may be a connection between the TrenchCoat Mafia
and the CotSG, and asked Reeves to take action.
Reeves investigated the CotSG by visiting http://Subgenius.com, and
there learned of the CotSG"s belief that the world was to end on July
5, 1999. Irreverend Friday Jones also alleges Reeves learned of Papa
Joe Mama"s Holocaustal web site and visited it at:
http://members.tripod.com/Papajoe666/rant.html. In addition to the end
of the world predictions at the CotSG, Papa Joe"s site is intended to
incite SubGeni to commit violent acts against Pinks, the Normals, and
the Conspiracy. For a more detailed listing of the events leading up
to the City of Cambridge pulling the plug, I suggest you visit
http://www.subgenius.com/bigifst/f?X0023_Modemacs_Report.htm. (Note:
Modemac mistakenly reports that Reeves was aware of the CotSG web-site
before Papa Joe"s phone call. A source close to Reeves informed that
this is not true. Reeves was unaware of either site until after the
phone call.) Predictably, Reeves did not get the joke, and Papa Joe"s
site was taken at face value. Reeves and the Middle East Night Club
(Middle East) agreed that the Middle East should not host the event.
Although the Devival was relocated at the last minute to the Old
Baptist Church in Cambridge, (special thanks to the ACLU) the Baptist
Church was also persuaded (presumably by Reeves) not to allow the
CotSG to hold its event there either. Fortunately, the Baptist Church
showed some back-bone, and allowed them to gather on their steps,
although they still would not allow the CotSG to hold the event
indoors. By this time, Ivan Stang, Father K"Taden Legume, Papa Joe
Mama, and Friday Jones appeared before the flock, and a Devival was
held, albeit outdoors, without a stage, pulpit, lights, or a sound
system. The police were called to look on, but did not interfere. (In
fact, the police were amused by the whole event, and used the spot
light from their squad car as stage lighting!) Special attention is
drawn to the fact that the CotSG did not collect a $10 per person
ticket price, and those that attended were given the show for free by
Stang, Legume, Papa Joe, and Friday Jones. However, Friday Jones did
accept donations, and the slack booth of CotSG products was opened up
out of the trunk of (I think) Jones" car.
Friday Jones has testified that she personally paid the airline fair
for Ivan Stang, Father Legume, and Papa Joe Mama, as well as taking
care of other arrangements, totaling approximately $1,000, not
including money paid in advance to the Middle East for hosting the
event.
The seating capacity of the Middle (upstairs) is 225 people, and the
church stood to profit $2,250 from the event alone, exclusive of
potential profits from sales of recordings, T-shirts, CD"s, books,
buttons, etc. Prior Devivals at the Middle East have sold out, even
during inclement weather, and this Devival was not expected to be an
exception.
Based on the forgoing facts, Irreverend Friday Jones and the Church of
the SubGenius brought suit in a Church of the SubGenius Kangaroo Court
against Papa Joe Mama. The charge was interfering with CotSG business,
and acting in such a way so as to cost the Church money, or, in the
alternative, to prevent it from making money. The trial was held on
Friday, July 2, 1999, at the Brushwood Campground, in Sherman, New
York. The Business Manager of the Church of the SubGenius, a.k.a. the
Lord Jesus Christ, presided. Reverend Ivan Stang represented the
Church of the SubGenius and Irreverend Friday Jones. Papa Joe Mama
represented himself, while Cowboy Dave contributed to his defense.
Ivan Stang was also to have acted as defense counsel, but was quickly
discharged by Papa Joe.
In his opening statement for the prosecution, Stang argued Friday
Jones spent her own personal money to host the CotSG Devival at the
Middle East night club, but for her money, received only a bad joke.
Stang suggested that CotSG devivals are serious business, and are not
funny per se. He argued if Devivals are funny, then "Hitler was the
greatest comedian who ever lived." Additionally, if Devivals were
funny, then "the SubGeni would have destroyed the earth last year."
Papa Joe Mama retorted that Holocaustal humor is OK.
Stang then launched into his first display of evidence by playing a
recording of Papa Joe"s phone call to NPR. In this phone call, Papa
Joe suggests the students responsible for the Colombine High School
shooting had a link in their computer to the Holocaustal web site, and
that the Holocaustal web site is still up and running, even after the
massacre. He notes the web site talks about "exterminating Normals and
killing the Pinks, and it"s a big thing about Pipes and pipe bombs,
and trisexuals . . . . This is all part of that Church of the
SubGenius thing, which is a big deal about . . . superior mutants and
supporting deviant behavior. And now we see the ultimate fruition of
that . . . ."
Perhaps most incriminating about the phone call is the following
excerpt:
"?[the Church of the SubGenius is] having some big - what they call a
devival, Friday, I think it is, at some restaurant, the Middle East or
what not, and they celebrate this type of stuff, to them it"s funny!
And and, people just stand by and "Oh well we can"t do anything about
that." Well, if we can shut down, you know, KKK people from wearing
hoods, why can"t we stop people who are advocating the same type of
behavior, who is lynching and killing people, from plying their
craft?"
http://www.subgenius.com/bigfis?/X0003_Joes_next_in_Tallaha.htm.
Stang also accuses Papa Joe Mama of denying being the voice on the
tape.
Papa Joe then moved the court to dismiss Stang as the defense
attorney. Judge Christ allowed the motion.
At this point, Papa Joe delivered his opening statement to the court.
He asked the jury, if the world ends on July 5, then shouldn"t they be
harmed?
Cowboy Dave then moved the court to find Papa Joe Mama insane.
Papa Joe opposed Cowboy Dave"s motion and asked the court to reject
both Cowboy Dave as his co-counsel, and to reject the insanity
defense. Judge Christ allowed the motion, and Papa Joe was allowed to
defend himself for the remainder of the trial.
Stang called his first witness, the Irreverend Friday Jones. Papa Joe
objected to Stang calling the witness on the grounds that "[the
prosecutor] is a dumbass."
Upon being sworn in, Jones moved the court to be allowed to read from
the Holocaustal home page. Cowboy Dave objected on behalf of the
defendant, arguing that Jones is "a craven hussy." The accuracy of
Cowboy Dave"s statement not withstanding, the witness is not the one
on trial and her credibility is not at issue. However, mention is made
that Jones was not the author of the Holocaustal home page, and she
should not, therefore, have been allowed to testify as to the meaning
or intent of its contents on April 27, 1999.
Jones testified that the Holocaustal web site offers extra salvation
to those who wear a black trench coat to the Devival on April 30,
1999. Additionally, she testified this was inappropriate only 9 days
after the Colombine shooting.
Papa Joe then proceeded to cross-examine Ms. Jones. He began by asking
her how many people the Middle East night club can hold, and how much
money she purported to have lost as a result of the Boston Devival
being canceled. Jones indicated the Middle East can hold 225 people
and, at a rate of $10 per person for admission, she estimates she and
the CotSG lost $2,250. Papa Joe then asked Stang how much money could
have been made if his phone call elicited 50 new members to the Church
(at $30 per membership, the answer is $1,500). Stang objected to Papa
Joe"s question, and countered by asking Judge Christ to testify (as
the CotSG Business Manger) how many calls came into the CotSG as a
result of Papa Joe"s phone call. (A very interesting and unorthodox
move, considering that the rules of civil and criminal procedure do
not usually allow for a sitting judge to be called as a witness.)
Christ testified the Church received only 2 calls directly
attributable to the phone call.
Commentator"s note: Judge Christ"s testimony should be stricken from
the record without additional testimony regarding how many new
memberships came in between April 27 and July 2, 1999, regardless of
Papa Joe"s phone call. The opportunity for new membership is
never-ending, and it is impossible to determine how many memberships
since April 27, 1999 have been or will be directly attributable to the
phone call, unless the CotSG starts asking. (Hell, I may even join
again!)
After additional testimony by Ms. Jones regarding the contents of the
Holocaustal home page, Papa Joe was allowed to call his first witness.
In a moving display of faith for the average SubGenius, Papa Joe
picked a witness from the jury. (Another interesting move - asking a
juror to sit as a witness.) After being sworn in, The Mad Scribbler
testified that, in his opinion, Pinks are OK until X-Day. However,
after intense questioning by Papa Joe, The Mad Scribbler finally
admitted that, in his opinion, "Pinks don"t deserve to live "til
X-Day."
In what had to be one of the defense"s most moving points of the
trial, Papa Joe then implored the jury, "Don"t Pinks deserve a warning
they"ll be killed?"
Commentator"s note: Although not well received at trial, the question
is philosophically sound. A person condemned to death has the right to
know of his impending doom so that he may make peace with his gods;
or, in this case, to have the opportunity to send in his $30 before
it"s too late.
Ivan Stang then called his next witness, Father K"Taden Legume. Legume
testified that on April 28, 1999, two days before the Boston Devival,
he received a phone call from Papa Joe Mama. He knew it was Papa Joe
because when he answered the phone, the caller identified Legume as
"Ken," Legume"s Normal name. Legume states that Papa Joe said he
wanted to "drum up support" for the Devival. He testified that, in his
own words, Papa Joe "wanted to light the fire and see what would
happen."
On cross examination, Legume testified that at the time Papa Joe made
his call to NPR, he was a Holocaustal, but was now an Ivangelical.
Papa Joe suggested that based on this evidence, if anything should
happen to the Ivangelicals, Legume would become the new head of both
the Ivangelicals and the CotSG. Papa Joe argued that Legume had an
ulterior motive for testifying on behalf of the prosecution, and his
testimony should, therefore, be disregarded. Further, Papa Joe accused
Legume of never paying his $30 to the CotSG, and, consequently, was
not yet saved in the eyes of "Bob." Legume responded by accusing Papa
Joe of the same thing.
Interestingly, Papa Joe neither admitted nor denied Legume"s
allegation, and the question remains unanswered to this day. However,
with regards to Legume"s membership, Judge Christ presented him with a
number of questions to prove his worthiness. Legume testified he
doesn"t like sports because, "they"re too normal," and his favorite TV
show is "Leave it to Beaver." No further questions were asked of
Legume, and his membership in the CotSG was accepted as fact.
With the evidence having been completely presented, and all witnesses
having testified, Ivan Stang presented the closing argument for the
prosecution. He argued that Papa Joe should be found guilty for three
reasons. First, because he cost Friday Jones money. Second, because
there were Pinks and Normals that missed their opportunity to be saved
as a result of the cancellation of the Devival, and, likewise, the
CotSG missed the opportunity to save them (i.e. receive
donations/memberships from them). But the third and perhaps most
convincing argument why the jury should find Papa Joe guilty, "is
because he"s a dumbass."
Papa Joe then delivered his closing argument to the jury.
Unfortunately, instead of sticking to the facts of the trial, Papa Joe
used the opportunity to rant incessantly about the Holocaustals. He
argued, "we don"t have the option to kill [Pinks and Normals], we must
kill." He argued his duty as a Holocaustal was to warn them of their
impending doom, and that his phone call was merely his attempt to
reach as wide an audience as possible. The use of NPR as a media is
better than the use of newspapers, because it reaches a wider range of
listeners than newspapers, which are local in character. Finally, he
argued that the money that could have been made at the Devival is
irrelevant because, "money is worthless on X-Day."
After considering the facts, testimony, evidence, and arguments of all
parties, the jury considered its verdict. After what seemed like the
longest 1 to 2 seconds ever, a unanimous verdict was reached: guilty
on all charges.
Upon hearing the verdict, Papa Joe moved the Court to consider one
additional piece of evidence, and for an independent ruling by Judge
Christ, not withstanding the verdict of the jury. Judge Christ allowed
the motion, and Papa Joe presented a recording by the President of the
United States, William Jefferson Clinton. In this recording, President
Clinton makes it clear that Papa Joe Mama is not, nor has he ever
been, a member of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF).
However, President Clinton states that if Papa Joe is found guilty, he
will grant an honorary membership upon him, thereby making him an ATF
agent. Finally, "should anything happen to Agent Mama," President
Clinton will then punish the CotSG retroactively for convicting and
executing one of his agents.
Judge Christ wasted no time in his decision. First, he pointed out
that "Bill Clinton holds no jurisdiction over a SubGenius court." As
such, he can not make threats against a SubGenius judge. Then, in his
boldest statement throughout the trial, and in an outright
chastisement of Papa Joe, Judge Christ stated he was offended that
Papa Joe Mama placed the authority of Bill Clinton before the
authority of himself, the Lord Jesus Christ. He condemned Papa Joe to
wear an electric collar until his sentencing on July 4, 1999, control
over which was given to Friday Jones.
Sentencing in the trial of Papa Joe Mama occurred on the night of
Sunday, July 4, 1999. The entire SubGenius court and jury was present,
including a great number of spectators. A bonfire was lit, and the
condemned was brought before his accusers. He was blindfolded, and
restrained at the wrists. Friday Jones, in her full Ivangelical battle
array, proceeded to cover Papa Joe"s head in shaving cream. Utilizing
a barber"s 6 inch shaving blade, she removed several large chunks of
hair from Papa Joe"s head.
Judge Christ appeared shortly thereafter (on his motorcycle), and read
the sentence: $5 dollar fine and time served.
The crowd was dumbstruck. So was Friday Jones. So was Papa Joe.
His head half shaved (in various portions), Papa Joe Mama was
released, and left Brushwood in evident disgrace and embarrassment. He
was not present at 7:00 a.m. on July 5, 1999.
Commentator"s note:
On July 4, 1998, the world witnessed The Battle of Armageddon. Waged
at the Brushwood Campground in the Village of Sherman, New York, the
Ivangelicals and the Holocaustals fought to the death over who would
control the world during the end times. They fought until almost every
last one was dead. But, in their infinite wisdom, both the
Ivangelicals and the Holocaustals realized that there would be no
clear victor. Either way, both camps were so seriously depleted of
their ranks, that there would be no one left to rule the world anyway.
So, a truce was declared, and it was decreed that the Ivangelicals and
Holocaustals would live in peace and rule jointly throughout the end
times.
Today, both camps still have vastly different views about how the
SubGeni race should conduct itself until the Xists arrive. The
Ivangelicals believe in sitting back, relaxing, and continuing to make
as much money as possible, while subtly remaining a thorn in the side
of the Conspiracy. The Holocaustals, on the other hand, believe in
putting the fear of "Bob" into the Conspiracy. They are not afraid to
waive the Stark Fist of Removal in the air, and will point it anyone
who stands in their way.
By pulling the prank he played, Papa Joe demonstrated once again the
differences in approaches the two camps take towards the end times,
and the problems they continue to have in reconciling themselves. The
Ivangelicals are content to conduct themselves in a business like
fashion, and to erode the Conspiracy from the inside out. Meanwhile,
the Holocaustals make as much noise as they can in promoting the CotSG
devivals, even going to such extremes as getting themselves heard on
NPR (for free).
Papa Joe Mama pulled a stupid prank that cost the CotSG its Devival on
Friday, April 30, 1999. This has been taken as fact, and he has been
convicted of the crime of costing Friday Jones and the CotSG money.
But before we condemn him too harshly, consider the following points:
Friday Jones" and the CotSG"s accusation that Papa Joe"s phone call
cost them money is premature and speculative at best, because there
has been no determination made as to how many new memberships since
4/27/99 are - or will be - directly attributable to the Papa Joe"s
phone call.
Friday Jones provided no accounting of how much money she received in
donations at the foot of the Old Baptist Church on Friday, April 30,
1999, or at any time thereafter as a result of the cancellation of the
Boston Devival.
As of the writing of this report, Jones"s action in the court of the
Normals against the Middle East night club is still pending, and she
may ultimately be awarded the $2,250 by them.
Despite the above, Papa Joe"s actions should not be taken too lightly
either. As Friday Jones pointed out, Papa Joe"s phone call was in
extremely poor taste so close to the massacre at Colombine High
School. Regardless of what Papa Joe and the Holocaustals would have us
believe, the CotSG advocates violence after the Xists arrive - not
before. Although there is nothing wrong in warning Pinks and Normals
of their impending doom, it should be remembered that the TrenchCoat
Mafia is not associated with the CotSG in any way, and there is no
evidence to suggest that they were influenced by the CotSG or the
Holocaustal web-sites. Papa Joe"s "I told you so" attitude should be
taken at face value: a joke by someone with too much time on his hands
who takes the CotSG too seriously (a crime in and of itself under
SubGenius theology and law).
Papa Joe is not a martyr, and no one laughed at his joke. No one knows
this better than Friday Jones and the rest of the Boston area SubGeni.
Even if Jones is ultimately awarded her money back by the Middle East,
she can still not recover the money spent on the airplane fair for
Stang, Legume, and Papa Joe. Meanwhile, the Boston Globe newspaper
printed an article exposing the whole affair on Friday, April 30,
1999. The rest of us had to bear the burden of ridicule and
embarrassment as we tried to half-heartedly explain to the Normals
around us that there is no connection between the TrenchCoat Mafia and
ourselves, despite Papa Joe"s comments to the contrary.
I have also heard from a confidential source that Papa Joe staged much
of his own trial and punishment. Papa Joe allegedly planned a faux
punishment where he would be dragged behind a truck and then thrown
into the bonfire on Sunday night. He was then to arise at 7:00 a.m. on
July 5, 1999, as "Papa Joe Martyr." But the rest of the SubGenius
court got sick of Papa Joe taking the whole thing so seriously, and
refused to play along. (Note: As partial confirmation, there was some
mention on alt.slack about this after XX-Day by, I think, Friday
Jones. But, unfortunately, I did not save the message, and I have been
unable to find this reference anywhere else. Likewise, I promised my
source I wouldn"t use their name.)
With regards to any comments made by Papa Joe in his phone call, and
no matter how much he may claim to have acted on behalf of the CotSG,
there is still one problem: For those of you who are card carrying
members of the CotSG, read the disclaimer on the back of your
membership card. It reads, "[t]he Church is not responsible for his
actions." Proving, once and for all, that Papa Joe acted alone, and in
no one"s interest but his own.
Finally, in closing, let me repeat the motto of the Church of the
SubGenius, which is, "Fuck "em if they can"t take a joke!"
The Honorable "Bus Stop Pest"
busstoppest@yahoo.com
Original file name: The Trial of Papa Joe Mama - Co
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