10 June 1999
Lost Portlantis, South Lemuria (aka Portland, Oregon)
As remembered by Dr. Onan Canobite <email@example.com>
Effective, technocratic symbolization and propaganda in the form of nearly 1,000 full-color posters, not to mention positive reviews in The Willamette Week, The Oregonian, Just Out, The Rocket, the Stranger and the New York Times is credited with the favorable community support for Lemuria Rising.
We were fortunate to secure the services of the SubGenius' SubGenius MC, the Doktor Howl. Also gracing the stage throughout the process was our own Sister Maully Coddle. Each of them ushered our scientific team on and off the stage, occasionally offering their own commentary and assistance in the operation.
First on the theater stage was Rev. Crawford. Rev. Crawford revealed to the audience of 250-300 that tonight was, for him, the culmination of a decade-long research project assigned to him by J. R. "Bob" Dobbs to infiltrate the Conspiracy. Having accended to the highest circles of the Lemurian hi-tek firm Schmektronics his report was ready and "Bob" would, in fact, appear to receive the information.
Popess Nikitta Gardner also demonstrated the finest in Lemurian scientific inquiry by announcing the birth of a new star, ConnieDobbsPdx1999. As Popess Nikitta stated, Portland and Connie do have a star - Seattle does not... and "Bob" will probably only get an asteroid, a tiny one, like the kind that wiped out the dinosaurs. She also wowwed the crowd with several never-before-heard songs most fine.
By this time the crowd was ready for a thorough shouting at by the Rev. Ivan Stang. Rev. Stang led in the more traditional ceremonies of the Moment of Noise, the call-and-return of "Praise "Bob!"," and a plea for donations. As "Bob" circled the block in his limo, the fragile and sensitive Rev. Stang began to feel a sickness that would blossom later in the evening.
Visiting Lemuria from outside our linear time stream was Jennifer Robin, with a tiny proto-yeti friend whose name I shamefully forgot even at the doktors-only party after the show. Jennifer laid it on the line for the few doubters in the crowd regarding the true history of Lemuria, the terrible Space Needle erected by the Northern Lemurians, the resultant smiting by the gods, and the eventual second rising of Lemuria with Lost Portlantis as its new capital. All this has of course come true, lending credibility to Jennifer's claims.
But it's not all work in Lemuria: we have to put our flippers up and shake our fins for medical music once in a while. And who better to lead the celebration than the Duke of Uke? The Duke played an entire set of traditional Lemurian folk songs made popular by other artists (human and yeti). Young and old alike can appreciate this kind of fun.
Here in Southern Lemuria (the terror-torry formerly known as "Oregon") we enjoy the right to physician assisted suicide. Dr. Onan Canobite, being a doktor, was our representative on this front: he led with a song as Sister Maully dispensed the pils of death to nearly seventy-five true believers. Afterwords he assured the faithful that they would, in fact, die. He also did a brief sickening (via a leg brace) of a young man in need of an excuse to get off work the next day.
The grave nature of Lemurian accendance is the only explanation of why Nenslo could be coaxed from Castle Nenslo to speak to Other People. Sitting atop a raised platform, Nenslo explained in plain language that even he can understand why we should, in fact, repent, quit our jobs, and slack off. But who could have predicted the knee-slapping square dance that Nenslo called immediately after? Perhaps the stark contrast between his appeal to the heart and to the feet is a lesson in itself.
Appealing to an altogether different power center was Vagina Jones and her All Shouting Choir. Ms. Jones' spiritual bump and grind brought a blush to even the most jaded observers. Those fortunate enough to attend or to own one of the two highly illegal videotapes of this event "know" what I "mean." Vagina Jones had met with Dobbs just before she went on, asking for advice in her performance. "Walk backwards and carry a .45" he said - sage councel to us all.
Rev. Stang had also met Dobbs in the limo, but he only suffered for the blessing. His second sermon was delivered with white knuckles gripping the lecturn - not out of religious conviction alone, but due to the horrible vertigo associated with the swirling dots on "Bob's" face. Rev. Stang eventually ended up "on his head" behind the stage - ask him.
Dr. Canobite assumed the stage once more, to introduce his friend and personal savior / financial consultant J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. He whipped and teased the audience into a standing frenzy of anticipation, then announced the arrival of "Bob." Instead, Rev. Crawford came out.
'Where's "Bob"?" Onan asked?
Crawford replied 'Well, I don't know how to tell you this, Dr. Onan, but... there is no "Bob." He's just a piece of clip art.'
Crawford them proceeded to demolish the faith of Onan, outraging Ivan with his blasphemy to the point of Ivan jumping on stage and threatening the only scripted event of the evening with improvisation. Eventually Onan admitted his error, turned on Stang and offered the audience their money back (all $5,000 of it!).
What Onan could not know as he turned to the audience for a lenghty appology was that Crawford took that envelope of money, pulled out a few bills for himself, then disappeared behind a curtain... WHERE HE MET WITH J. R. "BOB" DOBBS in backlit sillhouette form, gave Dobbs the money and his report, and even took a drag off his pipe! This last familiarity was too much for even the gonzo Crawford, who fell nearly dead back onto the stage. "Bob" stepped forward, aided Crawford in standing, waved to the crowd and then the two hot-footed it to the waiting limo. Stang knelt and wept on the stage throughout. And poor Onan, who missed it all, merely walked off with "sorry... sorry" his only refrain.
A Nat Hema did the impossible by following up "Bob" with an even more punative, demanding and ultimately rewarding set of their fine music. Did the audience 'get it' about A Nat Hema? Time will tell.
And time will tell the tale of... Lemuria Rising!
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite <firstname.lastname@example.org> The SubGenius Answer Man Member Since 1982 | 'Revelation X' Co-Author | Attended X-Day 1998 Send One Dollar to http://www.subgenius.com/ for Eternal Salvation
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