Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999
From: Lilith von Fraumench (p-lil@subgenius.com)

My tissues are still knitting, and the charred smell still haunts my memory, but I do believe I've reached a point where I can sit down and write about THE BEST GODDAMN DEVIVAL I EVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE TO LOSE MONEY ON.

I guess the first thing I should say is, Seattle SubGenii *really* don't get the whole pumpkin full of squirrels thing. Worse yet, if you use the word "date" around some of these poor schmucks, they think of a piece of FRUIT, not a companion for a night's fun and frolic. Yes, there were people who read the line on our poster, "Bring a pumpkin and a date and both get in FREE!" and then brought a tiny plastic jack-o-lantern--too small to fit even one DICK into, let alone an adult squirrel --and a single, dried up date, expecting to get in for free. Once again I am reminded why we call this "SubGenius" in the first place.

BUT WE GOT A REAL PUMPKIN. That's what matters. And even WITHOUT a squirrel, the carefully-rendered Dobbshead on its front makes it the darlin' of the devival right there. Of course, it looks like someone gripped it a BIT TIGHT in the back, but I understand. PRAISE REV. NOONIE, PUMPKIN ARTIST EXTRAORDINARE!

Turnout was rather low. Despite all the things we had going for us--perfect weather, a Friday night showing, Memorial Day, etc.--one freak event was enough to turn I-5 into a mess for hours, hindering all but the most determined devival-goers. Some guy went nuts and literally killed two women with his BARE HANDS before barricading himself in a gun collector's house. He took out three cops before being sniped. Fucking Bobbies... we TOLD them to wait until the Xists show up, but they NEVER LISTEN. Worse, he didn't bother to wear a SubGenius t-shirt. Although Father Joe Mama tried to take credit for the massacre, the truth is that this bloodshed was committed by a Pink. What more proof do we need? "Cuz he's a DUMBASS," as Otis said once.

The theatre, On The Boards, was perhaps the nicest place a devival has ever been held. The stage looked incredible with their huge black curtains, in front of which we hung 15-foot safety orange banners, "Triumph Of The Will" style, with words like "CASH" and "FEAR" appliqued. And at the very back of the stage, carefully lit, was the Shroud of Dobbstown. The pulpit was solid and looked pretty handsome without an altar cloth... but we gave it one anyhow, so it'd be at least as clothed as any of our ranters. The result was a gorgeous stage which induced wallets to open and put the audience in the right frame of mind for the Dobbsword.

Speaking of the audience, we were dealing with a phenomenon I haven't seen since the old sci-fi convention "devivals" back in Dallas. To wit, if you give someone a comfy seat to sit in, they'll SIT AND WATCH. This might not seem to be a problem unless you're used to the interaction of a boisterous crowd. It means we had to really WORK the audience. The pulpit actually GOT IN THE WAY, I felt, just because it was tempting to clutch it like a tarbaby instead of working the stage and the audience alike. With all that extra space we had to really PUMP to get any reaction from the audience!

So we SCREAMED DEFIANCE INTO THE INKY NIGHT--and were rewarded with the sweetest ranting I've ever heard!

It started with a rather chaotic invocation of the various SubGenius deities, who then did what you'd expect SubGenius deities to do, e.g. get into trouble with each other. Then I came onstage and got the audience praising "Bob" and hailing "Connie" like a bunch of banshees. Then I presented my opening rant. "Could we possibly leave this planet when the Conspiracy still has its claws buried in the soft assflesh of our world? YOU BET YOUR GODDAMN ASS WE CAN. If the Pinks want to turn this planet into their own private Hell, I say *let 'em*! BUT ON OUR TERMS!!!"

I then introduced Stang to the audience, who proceeded to massage the audience like the seasoned debeaker he is. He reasoned that, if "Bob" makes a million dollars every time he screws up, then Dobbs had BILLIONS riding on X-Day not happening! (I thought I had come up with this idea back in 1990, but it's clear now that I was merely retrocausally remembering this devival.) He also explained how the Trenchcoat Mafia got mixed up with the Church. "Stop the intolerance by any means necessary! Kill HATE! Silence CENSORSHIP! FUCK SEX!!!" Later he revealed the Y0K Bug, and made sure Seattle was ready to BUILD OR STEAL ITS OWN SHIP.

(As a side note: If someone gets me my own Roton-class spaceship, such as those at www.rotaryrocket.com, I will THANK YOU.)

Rev. Crawford Smith was up next, and in his best Mafia drag he led the congregation in a cathartic exploration of how we're all dumbasses when you think about it. With his "What A Dumbass!" card to cue the audience, Crawford admitted to:

[quoted verbatim from his notes]

* Playing chicken with a cop car (he turned first)
* Fucking a beehive
* Drinking half a bottle of Everclear and participating in a Baptist Church Youth Group Road Rally
* Humping a Haitian Hemophiliac Heroin-addict Hooker * Wearing a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt to Lilith Fair * Voted for Bill Clinton

[end quote]

You get the picture. WHAT A DUMBASS!!!

Meanwhile Pope Meyer was ready to fucking BURST backstage, and realizing the disaster we might have on our hands, unleashed him right after Crawford. His last words before he started ranting was, "Gimme that mic, I'm gonna tear 'em apart." AND TEAR HE DID! He pointed out that SubGenius is a truly hard sell here in Seattle because it's uncool to be enthusiastic. But FUCK COOL, Pope Meyer was enthusiasm in his most potent and infective! Half the people helping out Pope Meyer--people who were *kinda* into the Church--were so utterly blown away that one of them started working on her first rant that very night!!! The crowd got onto its feet in praise as Meyer whipped through the Rules Of The Church and slammed home the revelation that he IS The Conspiracy. And when Meyer eventually fell to the stage, begging "Bob" to cleanse him, I helped to pick him up... and my heartrate DOUBLED the moment I touched him! WHEW!!! Fucking AMAZING!

And then I dared follow up Pope Meyer! There was no way I was going to blow him out of the water. Nonetheless I began to pour my heart out to the audience, telling them how I let self-hate fuck up every chance I've had at pure joy and fellowship in this Church. And I fell to my knees, recalling how I cried out to "Bob," begging him to take the pain away. And... and then, with tears in my eyes, I told the audience that "Bob" then spoke to me, and told me the one thing I needed to hear the most just then:

"So you want the pain to stop, eh? THEN COOL IT WITH THE CRUSHED TOBASCO BOTTLE ENEMAS--IT'S UN-FUCKING-BECOMING!!!"

And then I revealed my secret mantra for overcoming all difficulties: "FUCK IT!" I think I touched some souls that night....

Ragin' Pope Angus took the mic next and kept enthusiasm levels pumped. First he presented the Gothic Crackwhore of the Month Award to a lovely Portland goth by the name of Mariejte. He then preached about the sin and sickness in the audience: "Men who are dancing with drugs and masterbation! Women who are wrestling with PMS and shotguns!" Angus vowed to break the bonds of the Conspiracy at any cost--including the lifes of the audience!

Papa Joe put out what I honestly believe was his best rant to date. He lectured the audience on the "invisible fence." The "invisible fence" is a radio dog collar that allows a dog the psychological benefit of believing it's free while providing a painful zap if it actually tries to exercise its freedom. Thus it serves as a powerful metaphor for the Conspiracy--restraining us while keeping up the appearance that we're free to do as we please. It's ironic, in a sense--he had what I thought was a wonderful hate rant, but decided not to use it. I thought he was overestimating the potential reaction. (Seattle is a *tolerant* city. They don't use political power to shut down a show, they just don't bother showing up.) The best part of this rant was how Papa Joe put the space on the stage to great use, punctuating a point with a turn of the heel and with his brooding pace.

After a display of hate, it always helps to inject some LOVE into the proceedings. With that, Sister Kali de Rouge channeled Nunu onstage and cried... sobbed... SQUEALED in frustration that the Pleasure Saucers hadn't arrived yet! That she'd have to make do with her sister Narnini, all by themselves! That she was sad that many in the audience hadn't sent in their $30 and will miss out! "This is some guy's fantasy!" she said while pointing at her rather fetching Barbarella-Meets-Trailer-Park-Stripper outfit. "Can you believe it?" Boy, the audience sure DID. It was "touching."

St. Kenneth Huey then spoke to the audience. Ken (seen here with Rev. Bunnyboy, who performed syntho-organ accompaniment to the preaching, onstage) is the artist who made our FANTASTIC devival poster last year, and has been a friend of mine since we met back in Dallas in 1991. He's the nicest guy I've met in the Church, yet has that crucial Yeti spark which makes him a true Superior Mutant. And, as he explained himself, he has ""BOB" ON THE BRAIN! "BOOOB" ON THE BRAIN! "BOOOOOB" ON THE BRAIN!!!" From that first injection of extra Overman fetus formula, personally applied by "Bob" himself in the first trimester, to his fond memories of eating roated Normal on a spit at SubGenius Youth Camp, Ken poured out his soul and charmed the audience. Bit by bit he shed his sweater and tie and long-sleeved shirt, as he was warmed by the stage lights, until he stood dressed in his best subversive togs, ready to belt out the most moving SubGenius anthem ever, "Arise!"--sung to the melody of the Socialist Internationale! "It's the final conflict / soon we'll fly off into space / The Church Of The SubGenius / shall crush the human race!" The audience sang as one in the fraternity of Slack! Voices rang out! Wallets sprung forth! Fists were clenched and launched! It was truly a golden moment to cherish forever.

Next, Rev. Bursar Judas Iscariot began to explain the difference between blasphemy and heresy. In the process he ripped page after page out of a King James bible, burning some, to the audience's delight. By the time he was done, all that was left was a wimpy little Gideon bible, which he promptly threw away. He then proceeded to offer communion by ripping out more pages from the bible and putting them in people's mouths to eat. There were quite a few, too. As I commented beforehand, "It takes a lot of water to wash down bullshit!"

Rev. Stang came back onstage, threw away his notes, and held a question-and-answer period, during which it was determined that THEY ALL shall be turned on their heads. Then Pope Angus came back onstage and began a round of Slack Jeopardy, only to be struck down early by the Pinkness of the contestants! He then told the audience to keep the aisles and doors and invited the unsaved to come forth and seek redemption. One by one he laid hands upon them, undaunted by the presence of Microsoft employees, and LO! They were HEALED!

And so it was that I went back onstage to close with a final benedction. Namely, Brother Cleve Dunkan's *I Am A SubGenius* rant. I've learned it through osmosis, and I cranked out a truly maddened version, scaring half the audience into penance while pounding and shrieking and wailing my way through the rant. It literally possessed me, like a loa of G'Broagfran, compelling me to spew and spew righteously! With my last bit of energy I cried out, "IIIIIIIIIII AMMMMMMM... IIIIIIIIIIIII AMMMMMMMMM... IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AMMMMMMMMMM... A SUBGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIUSSSSSSSSSS!!!"

And that was the end of it. We herded the audience towards the sales table and started licking our wounds. And I'll tell you, we had some TASTY wounds after that devival. The audio, video, and photographs will prove THAT--and we're working on getting all three available for consumption. But for now, I'll simply reflect on some fine memories.

Afterwards, in the car ride back to my place, I explained the Parable of the Feather and the Cue Ball. For if you were to drop a feather and a cue ball from the same height, you'd expect gravity to pull on them both equally, and so they'd fall at the same speed. Instead, the feather will catch the wind and helicopter its lazy little way down. The cue ball, however, will plummet more or less as predicted by Newton, possibly busting open a Normal's skull. The moral is, FUCK THE FEATHER.

Come July 5, 1999 we all shall fuck the feather. --
======== Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil ========= == Seattle SubGenii! We are the future! http://ssucc.ragnarokr.com == ==== In ecstasy I mock the world - Emperor, "Ye Entrancemperium" ====

Seattle devival unthwarted by shooting spree!!!

Date: Sat, 29 May 1999
From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>

Everything seemed perfect. Months of careful (albeit seat-of-the-pants)
planning and organizing was pointing towards a spetacular show. Energy
levels were high, and it seemed we'd have the PERFECT devival last
night.

Then disaster struck. A young man chose THAT VERY NIGHT to go berzerk,
killing and hospitalizing over a half-dozen seekers--some with his bare
hands--and blocking traffic along Interstate 5 for hours. The
connection between the young man and Ken Reeves hasn't been determined
as of yet. Nonetheless, the delay was certainly enough to discourage
all but the most die-hard SubGeniuses.

The Conspiracy will obviously stoop low in their attempts to defeat us.
Unfortunately for them, WE CAN STOOP LOWER. And stoop we did...!

The ranting was like *liquid fire*--Pope Meyer put one one of the best
goddamn rants I've ever seen! Papa Joe worked the crowd and used his
cold, discerning logic to devasting effect! Rev. Stang was in an utter
frenzy! I was SMOKIN'--I even dared to follow Pope Meyer, and amazed
everyone when I pulled it off! Angus laid hands and healed old
afflictions even as he created new ones! Rev. Crawford came out of the
closet as a proud and militant DUMBASS! St. Kenneth Huey told touching
tales of his SubGenius upbringing, polishing it off with a glorious
anthem sung to the tune of the Internationale! Rev. Judas Iscariot
committed heresies left and right! Sister Kali de Rouge channeled Nunu
and brought a lot of love--and gomers--to the house! Rev. Bunnyboy gave
good "ear" the entire night long! The Shroud of Dobbstown instilled the
audience with a sense of wonder and mystery! Gods were slain! "Connie"
was praised! Voices were lost! Slack was gathered in large heaps and
packed into sucking chest wounds! THE GLORY OF OUR FAITH WAS UPON US
LIKE RAVENOUS DOGS OF ENDLESS LUST!

But now, like a diver with a case of the bends, I must decompress. More
news as I recover.

The Prophet Lilith

--
Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil
SEATTLE BEWARE--The Final SubGenius RE-Devival is COMING
May 28--On The Boards--Visit http://come.to/devival99/ for details!
==== "What is Zen? Duh!" --me === "What is Tao? D'oh!" --Jesus ====

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 22:36:08 -0700
From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>

In article <37529625.3825066@nnrp.gol.com>, Sven Aarne Serrano
<shinpath@gol.com> wrote:

> Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com> wrote:
>
> ! St. Kenneth Huey told touching
> >tales of his SubGenius upbringing, polishing it off with a glorious
> >anthem sung to the tune of the Internationale!
>
> Lyrics! Lyrics! please!!!!!

ARISE!
The International SubGenius Anthem
(c) 1999 St. Kenneth Huey

"Arise! The Videotape (TM)" has shown us.
"Arise!" the radio shows command.
It's time that we collect our bonus.
The saucers soon shall land!
No more shall Pinks and Normals taunt us.
Arise SubGenii, and stand tall!
The human scum no more will haunt us.
"Bob" shall lead us; they shall crawl!

'Tis the final conflict,
Soon we'll rise into space.
The Church of the SubGenius
Shall crush the human race.
'Tis the final conflict,
Soon we'll fly off into space.
The Church of the SubGenius
Shall crush the human race!

The postings on alt.slack foretell it.
SubGenius-dot-com demands.
No mortal power can forestall it,
Nor even understand!
They'll fear the Stark Fist of Removal.
None shall plead on their behalf.
In bloody rags they'll weep and grovel
As we stare and point and laugh!

'Tis the final conflict,
Soon we'll rise into space.
The Church of the SubGenius
Shall crush the human race.
'Tis the final conflict,
Soon we'll fly off into space.
The Church of the SubGenius
Shall crush the human race!

--
Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil
SEATTLE BEWARE--The Final SubGenius RE-Devival is COMING
May 28--On The Boards--Visit http://come.to/devival99/ for details!
==== "What is Zen? Duh!" --me === "What is Tao? D'oh!" --Jesus ====

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: HellPope Huey <Hueykins@troi.csw.net>

That's really beautiful, man. Can the band play it reggae-style?

HellPope Huey
"aS CrAzY aS yOu & tWiCe aS dAnGeRoUS wItHouT
MeDiCaTioN"

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: monsterwax@aol.com (Monsterwax)

See, that's what I hate about this Church. They keep moving the goal posts.
First they tell you "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"- so you give 'em a
joke and what happens? They get all pissed off and blame you for everything,
including El Nino, AIDS, and the Y2K problem.

Then they tell you "Quit your Job and Slack Off", so I quit my job and slack
off, and next thing I know, the Church is saying they're in deep financial
do-do and need to send everyone back to work to stay afloat. That's great for
Stang and Jesus, they're used to flipping hamburgers, but I had a high paying
job- I'm not used to working with the pink necks. The only thing I know about
Hamburger is that if you cook them too long, people can't taste the body parts
ground up inside.

Now this: The ULTIMATE reversal of subgenius dogma. For a long as I remember,
"Bob" always indicated death to the pinks. But as soon I'm involved in a little
recreational target practice, once again, everyone races to apply a DOUBLE
STANDARD to poor Papa Joe. I went to great trouble to make sure none of this
got traced back to the church, and all YOU FUCK WADS can do is PISS ON MY
PARADE! That's gratitude.

Be that way. Only next time, don't be surprised if the murder weopon happens to
be registered in YOUR name. All of you! (*&#$% Bobbie bastards.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: reverend_wadd@geocities.com (Rev. Ezekiel Impurity Wadd)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: Seattle devival unthwarted by shooting spree!!!

The hatred of the Holocaustal movement remains alive.

Uh.. yay'n'stuff.

On a brighter note, ever think how fun it'd be to put a virus in
tobacco that'd survive being smoked and would do something k00l like
liquify the lungs from the inside? I mean, shit, take out the smokers
and non-smokers alike (secondhand smoke CAN kill, after all!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: friday@subgenius.com (Friday Jones)

Ghods, whadd'ya bet that SHITHEAD from Expose "Bob" makes up a BIG gloating
page about the Boston Un-Devival and now THIS?
This is TOO MUCH!
Screw Joe from Tallahassee! DEATH TO KURT KUERSTINER!

--
*** SLAK WARS - EPISODE 1:THE SUBGENIUS MENACE ***
The most controversial SubGenius Devival EVER!
Visit http://www.fridayjones.com for details

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: box2321@box2321.com (P. O. Box 2321)

Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>:
>> Then disaster struck. A young man chose THAT VERY NIGHT to go berzerk,
>> killing and hospitalizing over a half-dozen seekers--some with his bare
>> hands--and blocking traffic along Interstate 5 for hours.

I'm sure it is an utter coincidence (and not a funny joke) that our own
killjoy, Papa Joe Mama, Ruiner of Devivals, _happened_ to be in town...
happened to be delivering some 'curtain rods' wrapped up in a sheet...
bah, further speculation would only serve the purposes of our foes.

I was there, I saw it all, and look forward to the Hinkey House Select
Committee on Devivals report to be presented after their full
investigation.

But for now, there is... LEMURIA RISING...

http://www.box2321.com/lemuria.html

- O.

--
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com> The SubGenius Answer Man
Member Since 1982 | 'Revelation X' Co-Author | Attended X-Day 1998
Send One Dollar to http://www.subgenius.com/ for Eternal Salvation

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>

In article <slrn7l152a.6jp.box2321@shell2.aracnet.com>, P. O. Box 2321
<box2321@box2321.com> wrote:

> Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>:
>
> I'm sure it is an utter coincidence (and not a funny joke) that our own
> killjoy, Papa Joe Mama, Ruiner of Devivals, _happened_ to be in town...
> happened to be delivering some 'curtain rods' wrapped up in a sheet...
> bah, further speculation would only serve the purposes of our foes.

For that matter, I wonder why it is that (a) my bathroom sink JUST
HAPPENED to become hopelessly clogged the day Papa Joe arrived, and (b)
the glass front door of my apartment building JUST HAPPENED to shatter
violently, as if struck by a would-be terrorist, THE VERY SAME DAY.

I hypothesize that the curse won't end until Papa Joe has been "purged"
of it. I can't wait for XX-Day....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: shinpath@gol.com (Sven Aarne Serrano)

Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com> wrote:

>
>For that matter, I wonder why it is that (a) my bathroom sink JUST
>HAPPENED to become hopelessly clogged the day Papa Joe arrived, and (b)
>the glass front door of my apartment building JUST HAPPENED to shatter
>violently, as if struck by a would-be terrorist, THE VERY SAME DAY.
>
>I hypothesize that the curse won't end until Papa Joe has been "purged"
>of it. I can't wait for XX-Day....
>
I can explain all of this. At the 97 X-Day drill, Papa Joe, who won
the lottery to appear in the 'Last Supper' picture, suddenly had to go
the toilet and I shamelessly 'volunteered' to take his place. This
has upset the pluriverse and caused Papa Joe to take revenge on any
and all who come in his way. I fear the day he sets foot in Japan
and sets up an alliance with the survivors of Aum Shinrikyo.

Sven A. Serrano, Setsunan University
2-14-22-18 Shimanouchi, Chuo-ku Osaka 542 Japan
tel (06)212-1830 fax (06)211-3244 shinpath@gol.com

"Somehow, the popular image of Japanese techno-supremacy
still persists in the West. But what you're seeing is the
bright light of a dying neon star."
Andrew Marshall, writing in FACE magazine March 1998

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: friday@subgenius.com (Friday Jones)

Let us not forget that Papa Joe took on the role of JUDAS at the Last
Supper - a role that it seems he still relishes TODAY!

--
*** SLAK WARS - EPISODE 1:THE SUBGENIUS MENACE ***
The most controversial SubGenius Devival EVER!
Visit http://www.fridayjones.com for details