The real Girlfight story (about time)

From: "Saint Bucky" <bucky@subgenius.com>
Date: Fri, Jul 8, 2005 5:18 AM

Okay, it's about time someone actually gave some sort of reasonable
account of what happenned here. I have it on the very best authority
(from magdalen herself) that the story i am about to recount to you
here in this newsgroup is the closest to the truth that you are going
to come across.

It starts with the giant chickenwire "enclosure" that was erected by
the Bachelors 4 "Bob". There was a party going on there on Sunday
night (as there damn near always is) when all of a sudden there arose a
huge racket (one more huge than what was being emitted from the nearest
CD player). A form loomed up in the night, several people were
immediately taken aback by it's combined hairiness and apparent yeti
lineage. It turned out, however, to be a misplaced subgenius reverend
famous for his indiana jones-esque adventures examining rock and soil
in vast arid areas of the western american desert.

His name, however, will go unmentioned for the time being.

Where were we? Oh, yes, so the ape-like SubGenius Reverend stumbles
into the bachelors for bob camp (see above for correct capitalization
and punctuation) and demands that all partying cease immediately for he
is attempting a "three-way" with his fiancee and a close friend of
theirs a few feet away in their tent. Unfortunately for him, he is
waylaid by the promise of booze (free) and a much more attractive woman
(magdalen) and soon finds himself drunk and forgetting his reason for
having come to the camp in the first place.

After finishing and/or giving away all of the alcohol he was given, he
was soon lost and (somehow) managed to stumble back to his tent
(perhaps with some help, this fact is entirely debated, as it seems he
claims to have recieved navigational advice from either leprechauns or
sex goddesses).

One might expect that the difference between the two would be
immediately apparent, even to the intoxicated.

Regardless, our subject returned quite a bit more intoxicated then when
he had left, and the women that awaitied him were therefore somewhat
more attractive to him (and doe to the amount of time he had spent
drinking at the other campsite, they were considrably less conscious
than when he had left).

Sensing that he wouldn't be "getting any" now that he had been away for
such a time, he immediately returned to the state of rage he was in
when he first appeared in our tale. For a decent mental picture, think
of the Simpsons episode where Homer is mistaken for a sasquatch whilst
wandering through the forest clad only in underwear and mud.

His return to the bachelors for bob camp awoke his fellow campers
(remember them? both rather luscious redheaded vixens from ohio) and
they followwed the sounds of his destructive fury and soon found
themselves witnessing his outright genocide of all things mechanical or
electronic in the camp next door (the one with the hot MILF, magdalen,
remember her?).

AS we all know, the inevitable confrontation took place between the two
ohioans (ohioites?) and our beloved magdalen. Magdalen warned the
trespassers that there was little she could do to keep the noise down,
a sthe campsite in question was in what we all know to be one of the
"non-quiet" zones of brushwood. For those of you who don't know, there
are several acres of campsites which are set aside for those few
visitors who prefer (fo rsome reason or another) to sleep at night
rather than partake in the traditional XDay festivities (see above
references to drinking and promiscuity).

It wasn't long before fists were flying and shortly after that, a
baseball bat (who the hell brings a baseball bat to XDay [DrAgonFly?])
was put to good (?) use on our beloved heroine magdalen. The poor girl
was swarmed under by the two larger redheads and was assaulted until
the rest of the brushwood security team could be brought to the site to
break up the ass-whomping (thankfully, one of the onlookers was able to
replace the batteries in mags' beaten up radio and call for help).

Once the fight was broken up and the sirens were told to leave (on
threat of assault charges) they took their sweet time in packing up
their gear and retreating back from whence they came, even going so far
as to take the broken electronics (including *two* digital cameras and
one each of laptop computer, CD player, blender, and cordless electric
chainsaw) with them when no one was looking.

Mags, as it turns out, was rushed to nearby jamestown for emergency
medical treatment. Her emergency contact information from brushwood
registration had my phone number on it (of course, who else?) so i had
the pleasure of being awakened early on monday morning to hear that she
had been hospitalised for a broken collarbone, broken nose, seperated
fibia, and a sprained foot gland. After advising the medical staff on
the corrrect treatment of the sprained foot gland, i immediately called
her family and started composing the message you are now reading.

Sorry it took so long to get out, but she spent 46 hours in the
hospital (40 of them were spent unconscious), and getting the *whole*
story together took quite a bit longer than i had origianlly hoped. As
she is having some difficulty with both typing or speaking, it took
quite a while to coax the whole story out of her, and to combine
witness accounts to get the *whole* story.

But there it is, so quit all your speculating and take a minute to
thank me. No one ever seems to manage to take the time to do that
lately.

(Drunk) As always,

Bucky
Canadian SubGenius Drinking Team
Coach/Chief International Correspondent

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Original file name: The real Girlfight story #99D44 - converted on Monday, 18 July 2005, 17:18