By Reverend Onan Canobite <email@example.com>
art by NENSLO/LeMUR
First, what to bring. Be sure and bring not just one book but several books and maybe some magazines and comic books too - you might run out of things to read and have to talk to people otherwise. Bring lots of tapes and CDs, videotapes if you can (and a big screen TV with player). Again, if you don't have something that YOU picked out to listen to you might have to listen to some other person's music or no music at all. And I for one know that I'm coming all the way across the United States to sit in tents and listen to tapes and CDs - can't do that at home!
Bring all the necessary role playing game books and equipment, lots of paper and pens and pencils and dice. These are far more important than personal hygiene items such as soap, shampoo, a toothbrush & toothpaste, sunscreen lotion or (duh) a first aid kit. If you have a laptop or other small computer, bring that - no need to get behind on your work or miss a nanomicromoment of the Internet just because you're at the largest SubGenius gathering in history! Food will be provided by "Bob" so don't bring anything to eat, anything to cook with or any money to buy food. And of course don't worry about cleaning up your mess.
Don't bother with summer clothes for the day and warm clothes for night. Bring formal and/or dirty and/or average clothes and impractical shoes (you will be camping, after all) and don't worry about temperature variation. "Bob" will provide you with towels, a sleeping bag, a cot, and a nice large tent, so even if you have those things you shouldn't bother to bring them. That would only take up space that could be filled with animals, firearms and some of the other essential items listed above. This will be a pretty comfortable environment so don't worry about bringing things that could be lost, stolen or broken.
Next, some recommended activities. It probably goes without saying, but you should make as much noise as possible at all times. Don't speak, YELL. YELL ALL THE TIME. Because you're funny and important, and everybody needs to hear everything you say. Don't listen to anybody, just YELL and SCREAM; the Conspiracy has put you down all your life so now's your chance to work out that frustration - on your fellow SubGenii!
If you look 'different' then please keep to yourself. You will be among a group of highly critical, very beautiful people who have no tolerance for or experience with people who the Normals think are ugly. Definitely wear long blue jeans and a t-shirt and KEEP THEM ON just like always; just because you'll be outside almost all the time for days on end doesn't mean you shouldn't wear the same clothes you wear inside all the time. This is NOT the time for you to break out of routines that you've spent your whole life building! What other people think of how you look is very important and you need to adapt your behavior to their expectations.
A special aside to many of our SubBretherin... every woman there wants to 'love' you, so make sure and let them know you're interested too. SubGenius women like that honest, come-on-strong, "here's everything I know about something you just mentioned or might mention," all-talk-no-listen approach. If they don't 'put out' for you it's their problem, so go find another one (they're all the same, eh?). And for goodness' sake - if you have condoms don't bring them, and if you bring condoms don't use them.
Reverend Ivan Stang and all the other Doktors will have all the time you need to share your art, jokes, experiences, confessions and questions. Hit them up whenever the spirit hits you - when they're talking to other people, when they're eating or peeing, when they're sleeping and especially when there is a 'lull' and they aren't 'doing' anything. The Doktors are old friends who only get to see each other every few years, but that's okay - they will sacrifice their good time for yours.
BRING and DO all the DRUGS you can. If you haven't tried them yet, do it now - if you do it moderately, do it to excess - if you do it to exess, overdose! Your fellow SubGenii will think you are really cool if you spend the entire time in a chemically enhanced altered state of conscious. Drugs (particularly alcohol) will help you YELL MORE (remember to YELL!), help you have meaningful interactions with others, help you take care of yourself and learn things you couldn't learn otherwise or even remember otherwise. If you pass out or go insane or are poisoned or if you're just kinda uncomfortable for hours on end for 'no reason,' then you can be sure you are having fun.
Between you and me, we know that you're less 'Sub' than most SubGenii. You understand how things should be organized, who should meet who, what they should do, when things should happen and how. So you should MAKE SURE that you get your way (which is the best way) ALL THE TIME. If it isn't happening right, try YELLING, sulking and (since it's for their own good) fighting. If other SubGenii aren't getting slack then you are. You're the funny one, you're the smart one, you're the sexy one - to heck with all those other people! This is your time on stage and you need to push everybody else off who won't follow your directions (particularly your silent directions and 'common sense' and 'the obvious').
If you are an Emergentile, give orders. If you are a Rewardian, let other people pick up after you. Everyone should call attention to themselves when they are naked, high/drunk or saying/doing something funny. We all want to see!
You MUST ask for permission at least eight hours in advance before performing. Because it's _you_ that is performing, everyone there will sit quietly and give you full attention for the duration of your act. You will also likely 'score' afterwards!
Don't go for walks, meet new people, or listen to anybody. Don't bring a camera or recorder. Never say 'no' to anybody: not when you want time alone, not when you're doing something, not when you don't want to do what others are YELLING for you to do. And finally... DON'T BUY ANY GOODS OR SERVICES FROM THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION.
I am an important and funny SubGenius Doktor. You need to LISTEN to ME and LISTEN RIGHT NOW and LISTEN GOOD. If you do EXACTLY what I tell you here, you will enjoy yourself. If you don't, you're stupid and ugly.
[This selection from the unpublished "Things to See, Say, Do, Think, Know and Buy" has been made possible by a grant from NensloCo, Portland OR]
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite - SubGenius since 1982 - firstname.lastname@example.org Send One Dollar to http://www.subgenius.com/ for Eternal Salvation
Jesus illo by Two Beans