Compiled by Priestess Pisces
While being naked is awesome - remember sunscreen.
MODERATION IN EXCESS
Beware of friends bearing glowsticks.
High ground is dry ground. Don't camp in the gullies.
When it comes to clothing and blankets, too much is better than not enough.
The more you spend on equipment, the more comfortable you will be.
If you're leaving your home empty in your absence, don't forget to take the trash out or your home will be taken over by giant flies that will take way too long to get rid of. But this year is that the year, so fuck that shit. Leave the trash!
There's lots of hungry animals there who like to feed on human flesh, so bring BUG SPRAY
Fritatas are best served with MACE
If you would like a sandwich, ask nicely.
Camp with trees immediately to the east for morning shade. With luck your tent won't become a sauna till almost noon.
Don't be shy about walking up to people or you'll likely end up a spectator.
FLUSH YOUR TOILET before leaving home. This is a mistake you will make only once in your life, btw.
Please work out any perceived abandonment issues with your significant other before leaving them for a week so they don't storm into the camp at 4 AM and wake everybody up in an attempt to reconcile.
A flashlight, hiking boots or good shoes, good shelter.
If bringing an air mattress make certain all valves are CLOSED prior to inflating
How many hands does it take for you to do your doo doo? Be sure to bring some kind of light which you can work with your remaining limbs so you can doo doo at night. You don't know what DARK means until you've been to Wisteria at night. Use your head and get a head lamp
Water resistant Sharpies are a MUST for annotating sleeping tent mates.
Fill your head with cartoons and circus music.
LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE HYPERCUBE
Contrary to what you may hear, the blue tent is perfectly safe
Do not disturb IT THAT SLEEPS.
A tub of Gatorade powder isn't a bad thing to have.
Wear condoms when swimming in the pond to avoid interacting with urethra eating fish
Every year, one person ends up face down in the mud next to the road. Don't be that person.
Prepare to see lots of weiners
There are naked people riding bicycles.
Don't give a megaphone to Bobcore. Ever.
Words really can't express adequately the sublime mercy of a pubis kissed by Lotrimin AF. All else is secondary.
If you try to lick the bicycle seat, your tongue will stick!
Pack lots of extra dry socks in waterproof ziplock bags.
Umbrellas are your friends, they can stave off sunburns and rain.
Avoid Rev Angry Larry!!!
Prepare yourself to be absolutely miserable
... But in a good way.
... In the best way
Bring a cup and your own utensils.
Bring a chair that does not fall apart and some sort of shade thing that has a rain fly or at least a tarp.
Sitting knee to knee in the rain is ok, but not really optimal.
Make sure if you bring chairs, make 'em ones that stand out from the crowd.
You don't know shit until you've experienced Wisteria's patented jenkem huffing chamber
Find the cleanest portajohn furthest away from your campsite. It will be the best one on site.
If you see any motorcycles, be sure to decorate them with cute stickers and flowers. Its a "tradition."
Do NOT fall asleep in the sun for 12 hours. EVER. Unless you have an onsite buddy willing to transport your ass to a burn unit.
MORE: ( from Rev. Susie the Floozie)
It WILL rain, so DON'T bring non-waterproof treasures with you without protection! Bring LOTS of ziplock waterproof bags, and pack with an eye to sealability, putting utensils and other small things inside sealable containers that can be later used for foods purchased in Ohia. I found a HUGE heavy-duty sealable dogfood drum that will keep soakables dry and double as a fartproof seat.
If you bring galoshes, you will be envied and admired.
If your tent needs waterproofing or repairs, do it NOW. I need to do some spraying 'n' repairs, and I have two bay-window thingies that snapped last year. I think that clothesline wire could be a substitute... But I'munna test it in advance!Yeah, seating... Chairs are great, but sometimes you like to sprawl about indolently on the ground. I just spread plastic sheeting and put down a yoga mat for padding and then drape a cloth over it. The plastic isn't because I'm anal--it's because I'm still picking little bits of Wisteria out of the nappy pile of the ill-advised funfur throws I used the first year. Cloth with fibers snag all sorts of poky shit. This year, I'm bringin' sheets.
Art top: Rev. Faux * "Bob" Savors Your Sins: Zontar did it. Animation: Jason Spires with art by IMBJR, LeMur, Espira, Bat Mummy, others. All others: Dr. Hal Robins