From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>
Date: Sun, Jul 12, 2009 8:50 PM
Damn, this is taking longer than I thought! But despite
the slow
progress, I'm trying to get as much of it into writing
as I can before
it's forgotten.
Saturday dawned with sun, clouds, and a cool breeze...but
NO RAIN!
What's more, when the sun came out, we finally began
to get a taste of
what a sunny day at Brushwood is like. However, the
ground around my
tent was still soaked, as were my sneakers. I'd brought
an extra pair
of sandals to wear in order for my feet to dry off;
however, the
sandals weren't designed for walking easily on the rough
dirt-and-rocky roads of Brushwood. Every year at X-Day,
I end up
developing blisters on my feet that makes it difficult
to walk, and
this was why I'd brought that walking stick with me
this year.
However, the muscles in my feet were aching at this
point (outdoor
veterans call this condition "trench foot");
and by 10:00 AM on
Saturday I couldn't take it any more. I committed a
greivous sin
against Brushwood and against "Bob:" I left
the campground, drove to
Wal-Mart, and bought a pair of cheap, DRY sneakers to
get me through
the rest of the weekend. After that, walking was much
easier.
On Thursday, I'd managed to get a number of Yeti to
sign my stick, and
over the next couple of days, the stick found itself
covered from head
to toe with SubGenius scrawlings. But Saturday was
also the day that
many other SubGenius plans came to fruition, and we
would see them
throughout the rest of the day.
But first, we kicked off our final day on the planet
Earth with the
traditional holy celebration of PANCAKES FOR "BOB!"
Reverends Vec and
Ennie (Ennie Ennie Ennie Ennie!) provided the holy hotcakes
for all
mutants...and as happens every year, "Bob"
miraculously kept the
batter flowing until every SubGenius palate was satisfied.
And as he
does every year, Reverend Skull's scrapple toss frightened
the
newcomers, who wondered whether we were supposed to
actually EAT his
scrapple or do something else with it. It wouldn't
be X-Day without
Pancakes For "Bob," and I'll gladly say here
that Vic, Ennie, and
Skull's efforts are very much appreciated...not to mention
delicious.
From here, the second Live Hour of Slack gave Reverend
Stang and Dr.
Hal the chance to exercise their gifts of gab once again,
while the
assembled mutants made their preparations for the festivities
that
would take place that evening...including the fabled
SubGenius gang
war. A golden pod appeared in the rafters of the main
pavilion, the
purpose of which would be discovered later.
And the wallets of the SubGenii were opened, and the
money flowed like
water, and the Sacred Swag was sold at a breathtaking
pace that made
"Bob" grin with delight. And it was good.
And it was horny.
(At this point, I suddenly discovered a young pagan
who had made a
name for herself at an earlier X-Day -- young Hayley,
who at the age
of four had proven herself to be truly worthy of "Bob."
I'd been
wanting to give her a SubGenius T-shirt ever since her
previous
appearance at X-Day, and I was glad to have the chance
to finally make
good on this offer today.)
But then, as the clocked ticked away towards the oncoming
Rupture,
this Saturday afternoon saw the introduction of something
that happens
every year at X-Day...something that infiltrates our
enclave and
sparks rumors and flames in a different way, every year.
And that,
alas, is the DRAMA.
However, I must confess that if you want a detailed
look at the DRAMA
from this year, you'll need to ask someone else. I
go out of my way
to avoid the DRAMA when possible, and I only found about
it after it
had climaxed. What I *did* see on Saturday afternoon
was something
that surprised me, but not necessarily in a bad way.
That something
was...a second Megaphone! The job of manning the Sacred
Bullhorn
somehow fell on my shoulders a few years ago, and I've
been in that
role ever since. Maybe it's the way I enjoy fondling
the megaphone,
pressing it against my lips, running my hands over its
hard
length...err...ahem. Anyways, I make a point of announcing
the
official pronouncements of "Bob" (and Stang
and Pisces) to keep the
SubGenii up to date on the latest events. But as I
made my way across
the field that afternoon, what did I see and hear but
another person,
shouting announcements into a second megaphone!
This meant WAR!
(Actually, I didn't mind the competition. The honest
truth is that I
wasn't upset in the slightest, because this was X-Day...and
if you
can't be bothered to take some jokes at your expense,
you'd better not
dish 'em out. And if there were complaints about this
second
bullhorn, then no one told them to me. I did not hear
anything about
what happened regarding this second megaphone until
much later that
night.)
Then, as the sun shones brightly over the fields of
Brushwood, the
assembled Superior Mutants gathered to wash their souls
-- and their
meat shells -- at the Sacred "Bob"-tism!
Of the many events,
blasphemous rituals, and bonds forged at X-Day, the
"Bob"-tism is
likely the most mysterious of them all. Rumours and
whispers of the
"Bob"-tism have abounded on the Web, and this
is because this ritual
goes against many of the laws of nerdy geekdom. For,
my brethren and
sithren, it is indeed true that there are many BEAUTIFUL
NAKED WOMEN
at the Sacred "Bob"-tism -- and yet, thanks
to the will of "Bob" and
the enforcing of his laws by the duty-bound SubGenii,
naked pictures
of these women are almost never leaked onto the World
Wide Web. On
4chan, the golden rule when talking about naked events
is: "Pics or it
didn't happen!" If that is true, then the Sacred
"Bob"-tism may be
naught but a legend, or a sausage fest...for who would
believe so many
Connie-blessed visions of the UberFemme would gather
in the midst of
so many horny guys? And yet, it happened -- and it
happens every
year! There were so many Male and Female SubGenii there
at the
"Bob"-tism that it took the combined efforts
of Reverend Stang and
Doctor Legume to cleanse them all...and despite Legume's
rule that he
would (almost) only "Bob"-tise beautiful women,
there were still
enough luscious sex goddesses there for Stang to have
his way.
Meanwhile, as the "Bob"-tism took place, Lonesome
Cowboy Dave was
conducting interviews with the sundry Yeti. Reverend
Stang posted a
commentary on this to alt.slack on Sunday, July 12th:
"Lonesome Cowboy
Dave, Priestess Pisces, iDRMRSR and othar Others who
were involved in
this particular Bobtism-related Horror will be glad
to know that the
recording IS as funny as you remember, and is safe and
sound. It is at
least 40 minutes. It requires some careful volume-correction,
as Dave
is an... intuitive... mic wielder, to be charitable.
But he is a GREAT
interviewer and some of the smart-ass comments he got
are really
wonderful. He and Pisces do a sort of...running commentary
that must
be heard to be fervently disbelieved."
The "Bob"-tism's success was announced over
the bullhorn to the
denizens of Brushwood: "Attention, pagans! The
'Bob'-tism is
complete, and the SubGenii have been endowed with their
very own Short
Duration Personal Virginities. If you want to perform
any ceremonies
that require virgin sacrifices, then now is the time
for you!" Not
that those ShorDurPerVirs would remain virgins for long,
however...for
we had made sure that the innocent would be slaughtered
shortly
afterwards, as Dr. K'Taden Legume led his warriors into
the SubGenius
Gang War! Not since the 1998 Battle of Armageddon has
there been such
a day in the annals of the Church -- when weapons of
war found new
uses in the hands of resourceful Yeti, and the roads
(and mud puddles)
of Brushwood ran red (and Pink) with the blood of the
fallen warriors.
The final day of the planet Earth ended with blood,
but the true
victor in this mighty battle was, and always will be,
"Bob." And the
warriors feasted on cooked flesh (provided once again
by Reverends
Jim, John, and Eggplant), and the booze flowed like
water, and the day
was won.
Then Reverend Angry Larry ensured that the last of the
virgins at
X-Day would not remain virgins before the Rupture arrived,
as he led
the assembled throngs in a SubGenius Mass Marriage!
The sight of so
many assembled mutants gathered with their chosen mates
-- or at least
their chosen objects of fornication -- was enough to
make the blood
boil, the hormones overflow, and the erogenous zones
belch forth vast
amounts of Orgozmonic radiation. (If you don't believe
me, let me
tempt you with the image of Reverend Bunny Day and Reverend
Dildo Val
marrying each other...with the assurance that their
marriage, along
with all others, would be comsummated shortly afterwards
in the eyes
of "Bob" and Connie.)
With the Mass Marriage completed and only the night's
festivities
ahead of us, we did what "Bob" wanted us to
do the most -- we spent
money. The second act of the Bulldada Auction unfolded,
and here I
must pause for a moment to lavish praise upon the lovely
Popess
Pantiara Evokovitch. For she, of all the mutants who
had donated
their crap for the Auction, put her money where her
mouth (and bottom)
was, and she made sure her earnings for the Auction
were donated
directly to the legal fund of Reverend Magdalen. Not
only did Popess
Pantiara donate her very own panties to Magdalen's cause,
she went
above and beyond the call of duty this weekend...especially
the next
day, when she donated more than just her panties. But
tonight, her
panties were the focus of attention of many lust-crazed
SubGenii, who
outdid themselves bidding for her silken treasures...until
Reverend
Eggplant outbid them all, and won the treasured panties
with a mighty
bid worthy of a true SubGenius. (He then wore her panties
over his
head for the rest of the night.)
And this portion of the Bulldada auction continued where
last night's
auction had left off...except that it was even more
profitable, and
the items of Bulldada were even more valuable (and worthy
of scorn and
derision). Before the memory fades, I must commit to
writing one
moment of the auction that deserves to be remembered...
Among the items that were up for bid were several pagan
items donated
by my lovely wifey. One of these items elicited gasps
of awe from the
audience: none other than the NECRONOMICON TAROT itself.
Yes, the
author of the latest version of the Necronomicon, Donald
Tyson, had
adapted that infernal tome into a tarot deck...and when
it was laid
bare for the SubGenii to behold, a look of admiration
and greed was
seen especially on the face of our resident H.P. Lovecraft
expert --
Morose, a.k.a. Doctor Holocaust.
But, alas for Morose, this treasure was not his for
the taking. For
as the auction proceeded and the bids for the unholy
tarot deck were
levied, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that a
group of pagans,
far across the field, had taken notice. Over by the
North Stage
(where Dr. Dark's drive-in usually takes place, during
drier weather),
some pagan campers were busy preparing their wares for
the upcoming
Sirius Rising and Starwood festivals. But at this moment,
one person
and his girlfriend were staring across the field, straight
at us --
and even from that distance, I could sense his astonishment.
He
descended from the North Stage and began walking in
our direction;
then, when it became apparent that this really was the
Necronomicon
Tarot up for bids, he broke into a full run and raced
across the field
to our location. He rushed up towards the stage, and
breathlessly
added his own bid for the tarot deck -- and he WON!
For a price that
I'll not reveal (lest it bring the curse of the Great
Old Ones upon
him), he took the Necronomicon Tarot from our hands,
and brought it
away for safe keeping.
And the night was still young! The mysterious golden
dome revealed
itself now as a SubGenius prank, as Reverend Dildo Val
grabbed my
walking stick and proceeded to smash the pinata with
blows worthy of a
warrior priestess. The pinata brst open and was found
to be full
of...crickets? It appears that the Conspiracy had pulled
a
bait-and-switch on us, for the anticipated treasure
contained in the
pinata turned out to be a treasure that only be valuable
AFTER the
Rupture, when Pinks would be scrounging for food and
having naught but
crickets and locusts to eat.
But when it came to eating, the next sight was enough
to make any
onlooker want to swear off food until the end of the
world. Reverend
Sinphaltimus Ex Mortus and Lord Sloth used the final
night before the
Rupture to reach a new level of debauchery -- with the
EAT THE HELL
OUT OF A COOKIE contest! The recordings of this disgusting
competition are archived at YouTube, and I encourage
you to seek them
out -- for where else but at X-Day will you see two
crazed New Yawkers
stuffing the equivalent of OVER ONE HUNDRED OREO COOKIES
EACH into
their mouths over the course of little more than two
or three
minutes?!?
At this point, a screen of anonymity was raised on the
stage, in order
for the secretive band FREAK-ACHE to perform for us.
The only thing I
learned about that band was that they insist on being
anonymous --
even to the point that when their set was done, I never
saw or heard
from them again. Which is a pity, because they played
some cool
ambient-rock tunes!
And the revelry proceeded into the night...even to the
point where we
saw an encore performance by Phat Man Dee. Not only
did she entreat
us to another memorable concert...she was also backed
up by the sudden
appearance of Anonymous Naked Girl! Several mutants
will testify that
this was the highlight of their entire X-Day (save only
the Rupture),
for this creature of beauty (who, sadly, was obviously
under the
influence of something other than the sacred 'frop herb)
treated them
to moves and touches the like of which they have only
read on
alt.sex.stories. I was afraid that she might steal
the show away from
Phat Man Dee, but the dear hostess took it in stide
and even gave her
credit for her performance.
(At this point I should state that, even though I was
ostensibly the
security person assigned to keep order at the stage,
I was in a
quandry of how to handle this situation. A guy my age
could NEVER lay
his hands on a naked girl of that sort, due to possible
repercussions...but fortunately, Reverend Angry Larry's
Wife had no
restrictions of that sort. I thank her enormously for
help in keeping
Anonymous Naked Girl from causing harm to anyone, especially
herself.)
--
The High Weirdness Project
http://www.modemac.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: X-Day 12, part 3: On to Saturday Night
From: Pisces <KVanHall@gmail.com>
On Jul 13, 9:00 am, "Morose, aka Doktor Holocaust"
<Chibithu...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Jul 12, 8:50 pm, Modemac <mode...@modemac.com>
wrote:
>
> > (At this point I should state that, even though
I was ostensibly the
> > security person assigned to keep order at
the stage, I was in a
> > quandry of how to handle this situation.
A guy my age could NEVER lay
> > his hands on a naked girl of that sort, due
to possible
> > repercussions...but fortunately, Reverend
Angry Larry's Wife had no
> > restrictions of that sort. I thank her enormously
for help in keeping
> > Anonymous Naked Girl from causing harm to
anyone, especially herself.)
>
> there was even some confusion amongst the audience
during Anonymous
> Naked Girl's interpretive dance routine - Mistar
Sistar and I thought
> she was part of the show up until we saw Pisces
leading her away to
> find some clothing
she thought she was part of the show too. But no one else did.