...And now, a paid message...
by
Rev. Bubba Free
IM-HO-PEP INNOCENT I
Michael Peppe
Got a problem? Bring it to the Friendly People. People touching people. People
rubbing against people. People developing the nuclear first-strike capability to
incinerate people. Sound like a flash in the pan? lt's gotta be: you don't settle
for less. You don't have to. You're you. And you've got needs bigger and more
earth-shaking than your grandfather could've dreamed. How do we keep bringing
them to you, year after year, bigger and better?
By using the technology of tomorrow on the consumers of today. The Now People.
People on the go. Going from Smart Shopper to New Low Value in the time it takes
to dial our number. And you know which one that is! Call now won't you? For more
of what you've come to expect from us. Style. Mood. A certain dependable kind of
image. An image of the way you'd like people to be. Passive. Pretty. White. As
white as the complexion of our finest women, grown right here by our special
process. As white as the hair of God, white as it was in life! As white as the
blank sheet on which we write your mind. Who are we?
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We're the Happy People. Happy to live in a world of images. Images of war.
Family.
Crime. Fun images, that help rinse away unsightly self-images, so you can get
away from the privacy of your own home. After all, aren't you what everything's
here for? You're what we're here for. That's why we made everything! That's why
everything made you. And that's why you made us. Who are we?
We're the Money People. People who take your money. No more money hassling! But
what about little Dickie, you sap What's little Dickie gonna do, when you're
working late, and Wilma's minding the fort, and Sis is in and out? Put away those
straps and buckles: Dickie's safe with usl (He's even learning to speak again,
our way.) Safe with the people who know what it is you want from a world.
Simplicity. Reliability. A world you can go to, without worrying about whether
your money is safe.
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You know, when we first got into this business we didn't know much more than
you. Like you, we thought there was a world out there: a world of value. A world
that needed meaning. Love. Beauty. A world that needed a better product. Uh-uh.
There's just you. And you want to know something. You want to know just exactly
what it is you're suppposed to do. You don't care why, just so long as it's the
right thing. lt's natural. Everyone wants to do the right thing. But sometimes
it's hard to 'know just what the dght thing is. Let's say you're black. And
you've just lost your arms and legs defending U.S. interests in Afghanistan. You
come home, and get thrown in jail for life for beating up four white cops. You
want to know: just exactly what is it l'm supposed to feel?, We can't give you
all the answers. But we can help flesh out your fantasy that there are some. At
our labs, we use only the finest homemade ingredients. Love. Children. God. And
the purest blend of money your needs can buy, grown right here by our special
process! A process in use since our first Mom and Pop operation. Who are we?
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We're the Normal People. The most normal. people in the world. But not quite as
normal as you. Why? You're unique. It's natural: everyone's unique. But you stand
apart from the crowd: you're normal. Normal as a typical herd of Sea Cow. Normal
as an exploding stellar nebula. Normal as the world in which we live. And what
could be more normal than that? Certainly not the competition! How do we stay so
far out in front of the pack? By building a racetrack-decoy ideology with the
pick-up of a domestic, and the maneuverability of an import! Who are we?
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We're the Information People. The people who provide you with the information
you need, to help you through your busy day. Information about divorce.
Inflation. Drug abuse. Information vital to your survival, because information is
the most important part of our world. In fact, it's the only part. Information
like light. Living things. Information between neurons. Fast-breaking
genetic information, information you'd be hard pressed to do without!
Information you simply can't get anywhere else, at a vaIue no one can underprice.
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Let's try this little test. Compare. A glass of the, leading competitor's
product. Our product. You can see the difference. Now some people would
say, "This glass is empty." But other people would say, "This glass hasn't been
filled yet, but when it has, I'll like what's in it!" Those are the
people we're looking for. The people who look on the bright side. The people who
want to like things. And that's what life's all about, isn't it: liking?
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You want to like as many things as you can. You want to have as many things as
you can. It's natural. Everyone does. But not everyone feels that way. Some
people don't want to like things. The people who aren't good enough to have them!
People from unfurnished countries. People who have smudged skin. People who have
sex with males. The people who want to ruin everything. They want the things you
like, but they're not willing to do the work you need to have done to get them!
When they do your work, and they get them. They just use them for their own
purposes. But you don't. You don't say "my purposes." You say "our purposes." And
who are we?
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We're the Big People. The people who wear three-piece suits. The people with
important eyebrows. The people with sticky voices like this, voices which soothe
worried minds in a world in which everyone thinks their own thoughts. Wouldn't it
be nice if everyone thought your thoughts? Because let's be honest. Sure you want
to be unique. It's natural. Everyone does. But you also want to be right. Until
now, that meant a lot of time-consuming prayer and back-breaking contemplation;
put away that neocortical washboard: no more working your neurons to the bone!
Thanks to us, what was once a reality can become a dream.
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You see, we're old-fashioned. We want to go back to the old days, the days of
white people, before women. The days of owning, and building, and having. Having
things clean, and big, and smooth, and fast! Return with us now, won't you? To a
world where people did whatever they wanted, and minded their own business. A
world where everything had a purpose: yours. The world you meant to make, before
the Negative People took over. The people who say no, and bad, and stop, and
different, and small. The people who are negatives of you, and you know what
color that is! The. people who want to start by tearing down, instead of starting
like us, by building up! Who are we?
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We're the Communication People. The people whose talk is strictly
state-of-the-art technology. It's disposable. Reversable. Reusable with almost
any brand of idea, including our deluxe line. Yours. Sound costly? Put away that
semantic checkbook! Now communication can be yours for a fraction of what it cost
Grandpa. Why clutter up your world with a lot of hard-to-percieve subtleties? You
either like a thing or you don't. And in your case, it's the former. That's why
we like you. And that's why we're always looking for quicker; easier ways to tell
you so. Slogans. Jingles. Logos. Ways of reaching out and touching you, the way
you want to be touched. Slightly. Who are we?
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We're the Real People. The people who make you real. So real you can almost see
yourself! More real than you've ever been before. But then, you've never been at
all, before us. In fact, nothing has. And not even very much of that. Not even
this sentence. Because when we say disposable, we could mean Just about anything!
Who are we?
We're the Other People. The people other than you. People so other we're
opposite, yet so people you'd never guess we weren't the real thing! People who
are almost you, but couldn't quite make the pre-season cut. People who are a
little more than you, because we make the things you know you ought to be making.
Things like money. Revolution. Art. Love. Things the Negative People told you
were more important than what you're making now. Us. People so other we're even
other than each other. So other we're even other than ourselves: you. Because
you're one of us. How do we know? Nowadays there's a little more involved than
just counting the arms and legs, as Grandpa did in his day! Nowadays we're a
little more scientific than that. But the original formula still remains the
same: you see them; they make you; you join us.
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Still skeptical? Try this simple test. Look at me now. Notice anything? Now you
know how we feel. Separate. Gone. Repeated. Like you, only over again. We can't
help noticing. In fact, we have an old saying: "Hi." Why do we say it? It's a
tradition. Like I said, we're old fashioned. We don't much care why we do the
things we do, just so long as they're the right things. Because even though the
newer the better, deep down inside you know the new is wrong. It's different, so
it could be a mistake. If it wasn't a mistake, then why didn't it happen before?
You see, we don't really want to know what we're doing: we want to know what
we're supposed to do.
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That's why you're here. You take all the crazy things we do we can't even explain
ourselves, and put a good, solid reason behind each and every one of them!
Because you don't really care what happens: you want to know what's supposed to
happen. And that's why we're here. Who are we?
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We're you. You don't settle for less. You don't have to. You're you. We're
nothing without you. And within you. And someday, you'll be nothing too. Don't
you think it's time you said "hi"? Call now. You remember our number! Void where
prohibited: everywhere! Hurry while the customer lasts. Supply is limited. In
fact, we have an old saying: bye-bye.
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