I've been lurking around here a few weeks, and frequently ask myself
questions. Would some good soul post an alt.slack FAQ or email me one or
point me to a server or something?
And no, I won't send $1 and an SASE to blah blah blah...
Thanks.
==================================================================
Paul Souders pjsouders@delphi.com
"This is a special news report. Godzilla has been sighted in Tokyo
Bay. The attack on it by the Self-Defense Force has been useless.
He is heading towards the city. AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!"
==================================================================
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Then you won't get one. That's the only real FAQ for this group. All the
others are fakes, and there's many of them.
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * Still waters run deep. Go check.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)
Well, Paul, bear in mind that alt.slack was created to serve the SubGenius
Foundation, your E-Z source of Dobbs contact. Church materials were not
designed for Internetting are SOOO much more than ASCII text can convey.
The art, the layout ... sure, you can finger Modemac to find out how to
download the text of that $1 pamphlet, but it just ain't the same. Really,
it ain't.
Send your $1, and you'll get a 17-page pamphlet that will honestly take
you a week of evenings to read. No lie. And you can use it to drive
away Jehovah's witnesses if you want. Or stuff it in the middle of
the Pope's bible just as he's starting mass. Or give it to a
nine-year-old and let him take it to school.
Truly, this isn't some lame money-grubbing scheme. Yes, it IS money-
grubbing, but Stang reports that those pamphlets cost him about 99 cents
so it's not like he's much overcharging you. And that's just the cost
of materials. The contents are pretty damn priceless.
$1. That's all. That's about two bowls of Frosted Flakes or two
games of "Mortal Kombat". It's really not that much.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: ncm5662@is2.nyu.edu (Nicole C. Michaud)
When asked about a 'FAQ', we have nothing else to do but reply, "FAQ my
ass." You're seeing the FAQ. Besides that, there is none and never will
be. YOU MUST SEND FOR THE PAMPHLET. You can't just stay in the safe
little world of "e-mail" and "servers". The Church is more real than
that, and requires more than electronic data to convey it's message. But
you're so close to getting close to the truth, so don't let the very
REALNESS of it scare you off. Again, $1 to:
PO BOX 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
You MUST.
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: jlyons@haven.ios.com (John)
Paul Souders wrote:
: I've been lurking around here a few weeks, and frequently ask myself
: questions. Would some good soul post an alt.slack FAQ or email me one or
: point me to a server or something?
I'm confused. Is this one of the questions you've been asking
yourself? What did you answer? Or was it one of those "rhetorical"
questions? These are questions I'm asking myself. Um, rhetorically.
Any help would be appreciated.
--
| | "Conversing exclusively with like-minded |
| John | people is inherently UN-healthy". |
| jlyons@haven.ios.com | -- Sister Clara |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: clavis@phantom.com (Grand Clavister)
MONTYKINS@DELPHI.COM (MONTYKINS@news.delphi.com) wrote:
: Paul Souders <pjsouders@delphi.com> writes:
: >I've been lurking around here a few weeks, and frequently ask myself
: >questions. Would some good soul post an alt.slack FAQ or email me one
: >or point me to a server or something?
: I did it last time. I nominate . . . Clavister! Oh, mighty Grand
: Clavister, I COMMAND YOU to post a FAQ at THIS VERY MOMENT! Don't
: stop to think! Don't organize your thoughts! DO IT NOW!
Well, okay.
THE ALT.SLACK FAQ
by the Grand Clavister [at 4:41 am after four (4) Rolling Rocks and a
successful preview improv show at the Kraine Theatre]
Questions:
1. What the fuck?
1.1 Really, what who whatsis?
1.2 Why all the fighting?
1.3 What is all this shit?
1.4 I asked you a question!
2. Who's "Bob"?
2.1 Is this that Microsoft person?
2.2 Do I know this "Bob"?
2.3 Quotes y no quotes?
2.4 What evidence is there that "Bob" exists?
2.5 Why the pipe? Why the smile?
3. What's "slack"?
3.1 Answer my fucking question!
3.2 What's the connection between Slack and a clothesline?
3.3 How do I know if I have Slack?
3.4 Do I have to capitalize Slack?
3.5 Do I have to capitalize ON Slack?
4. Who are these frebbles who post constantly to alt.slack?
4.1 Are any of them involved with the "Church" outside of alt.slack?
4.2 Who's Clavis/PeeKitty/Tarla/etc?
4.3 Who's ICEKNIFE and why does everyone hate him?
5. Why all the cross-posting versus new posts?
5.1 What should I do?
5.2 Will I be considered "pink" if I follow-up?
6. What can I do to help?
6.1 Where do I send the money?
6.2 What exercises or rituals can I perform?
6.3 Who should I fuck?
6.4 Is there anything else I should be aware of?
APPENDIX/INDEX/BIBBLOGRAPHY
1. What the fuck?
Good question. The first question that everyone, everywhere, who
really wakes up and looks around at the environment should probably ask.
Answers to follow... maybe.
1.1 Really, what who whatsis?
Alt.slack is a newsgroup in which devotees (to ANY degree) and neofights
alike are invited to post their thoughts, feelings, rants and ravings.
It's fun, free, and only slightly fattening, if only metapsychically.
1.2 Why all the fighting?
Friction causes heat, heat causes lava, lava cleans your hands, clean
hands make Aunt Mabel pinch your cheeks, pinched cheeks cause gritted
teeth, gritted teeth cause friction. It isn't nearly so simple as that,
but try it easy for now.
Many people have different opinions. Some of us can't, or refuse to, deal
with the opinions of others in a "tolerant" fashion. Sometimes they're
right. Other times... they get it right back in their mushes. And so on...
1.3 What is all this shit?
It's called "communication".
1.4 I asked you a question!
Well, okay. Some of it is "rants", which are mental explosions of
righteous and not-so-righteous indignation with the fucked physical form
of terra firma righta nowa. Some are cute observations, some are
self-promotion, some defy explanation, and the rest you will understand
after the operation...
2. Who's "Bob"?
He's J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Supersalesman and 50's dad-type who will fuck
you up the ass and make you PAY for it, and LIKE it! Really! That's it!
He's also, somehow, in charge of the Church of the SubGenius.
2.1 Is this that Microsoft person?
Fuck you.
2.2 Do I know this "Bob"?
If you'd met him, you'd know. Your fillings would all be solid platinum
now, and your car would be a pile of potato skin-shavings. All sorts of
causational hoopla runs rampant around this muterfuker. You may know him
as "the guy from the old pipe ad".
2.3 Quotes y no quotes?
Quotes. No quotes = someone else, like the evil scumBob from Canada.
2.4 What evidence is there that "Bob" exists?
As much as for Hercules, Noah, Paul Bunyan, and me.
2.5 Why the pipe? Why the smile?
The pipe is a signal device. The smile keeps it activated. Some people
wonder why the Mona Lisa is smiling. I wonder why she's got no fucking
eyebrows.
3. What's "slack"?
If you don't know by now, you never will.
3.1 Answer my fucking question!
Slack is what makes you happy, although "happy" is an insufficient word.
As "Bob" said, when you were a kid, and were totally INTO making up whole
worlds for your toys to play in, and your whole essence was involved in
enjoying existence, that is a taste of what Slack can be. Problem is, we
aren't normally allowed to have any of that shit once we're old enough to
comprehend it. Phoo!
3.2 What's the connection between Slack and a clothesline?
Don't be a wiseass.
3.3 How do I know if I have Slack?
You know those pathetic, incomplete descriptions about how "love" can't
be explained, only experienced? Take them, multiply them, take out the
NECESSITY (if not the preference) for company, and you have about 1/2 of
1 percent of Slack.
3.4 Do I have to capitalize Slack?
Keeps it from being confused with Jonas Salk, don't it?
3.5 Do I have to capitalize ON Slack?
See question 3.2 .
4. Who are these frebbles who post constantly to alt.slack?
What is a "frebble"?
4.1 Are any of them involved with the "Church" outside of alt.slack?
Ivan Stang, Sternodox, Philo, Sphinx, NENSLO... you can find them all
here. Why? Cause alt.slack makes the New York Times look like the
nutrition guide on a bag of Rice-Cakes. AssHOLES!!! (Not them. Them.)
4.2 Who's Clavis/PeeKitty/Tarla/etc?
Well, I'm the Grand Clavister, and these other fine people are hutballs
who've chosen to waste their time by trading radical, readical and
rudical concepts over the Internet, guaranteeing that their houses be
bugged and that they lose any chance they might have had for a ride on
the Space Shovel.
4.3 Who's ICEKNIFE and why does everyone hate him?
See question 3.2. Just kidding, actally, ICEKNIFE does a lot of reaction
and not a lot of action. Some people don't like that. You decide. Me? I
have over 300 keys. I don't need to respond. Sometimes I can't find the
"Enter" key, and I CAN'T respond.
5. Why all the cross-posting versus new posts?
Some people DO visit other boards besides alt.slack.
5.1 What should I do?
What the fuck are you asking ME for? I say rant. Rants come easy to
SubG's in my experience, and they come genuinely from the heart and ring
true for most of us. If nothing else, they often generate email and a
debate-thread. Neato!
5.2 Will I be considered "pink" if I follow-up?
You will be considered "pink" if your answers appear to be mindless,
herd-animal "popular" garbage. As Pope Meyer said, "MOM!!! I'm out of
toilet paper!!!"
6. What can I do to help?
Contribute. In every way possible. Give us your juices.
6.1 Where do I send the money?
You can send it to: "Bob", P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
or: O.L.I.N.Y.K., PO Box 2559, Grand Ctrl Stat, New York, NY 10163-2559
It's your choice.
6.2 What exercises or rituals can I perform?
You can stand on your head. You can stand on other peoples' head(s). You
can stick a piece of bubble-gum up your ass and blow tiny bubbles out of
your pores. You can pray to the lightbulb god that YOUR lightbulbs be
those abberant ones that last 140 years. You can draw up a list of the
bass player for every band ever. GO on...
6.3 Who should I fuck?
Me, if you like. Email me. Send me a pic along with the keys.
6.4 Is there anything else I should be aware of?
Yes. I'm male, 6'4", 200 lbs, and I live like a typical bachelor
SubGenius Clavister bass-playing improv maniac with delusions of graham
cracker.
APPENDIX/INDEX/BIBBLOGRAPHY
ApPENciX.
Thanks to "Bob", Connie, Duke the Dog and Rolling Rock.
InDEX:
Christ on a crutch, I'm tired. Remember:
Elie Freron: "French critic and journalist. Voltaire made him a
butt of his ridicule in several of his works."
BILLBLORGRAPGHY:
The Book of the SubGenius
Revelation X: The "Bob"Apocryphon
Some encyclopaiedoupa
Me
Nutrition Panel of Rice Cakes
Handbook for the Use of A pocket Blackjack game
Fred
Dead Guy In a Hole in My Basement
Any additions? Send them to: clavis@phantom.com
Also, send keys and $1 to: (the address is down there. Eat it. Raw raw raw.)
Now, let's sleep and pray...
the Grand Clavister
(who enjoyed making people laugh, and hopes the groupies start coming
around soon... ") <---Picasso smiley
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR A DI-RECTORY OF DEVICES, PRODUCTS AND SERVICES, SEND $1 to O.L.I.N.Y.K.,
P.O. BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK NY 10163-2559. SENDING ONE OR
MORE KEYS WILL MEAN MORE STUFF. A LARGE SASE WILL NET YOU SOME CRAP AS WELL.
THE GRAND CLAVISTER OF NYC IS THE FIRST G.C. OF THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: Charles St. Onge <castong@nando.net>
Lou Duchez, ljduchez@en.com writes:
>Send your $1, and you'll get a 17-page pamphlet that will honestly take
>you a week of evenings to read. No lie. And you can use it to drive
>away Jehovah's witnesses if you want. Or stuff it in the middle of
>the Pope's bible just as he's starting mass. Or give it to a
>nine-year-old and let him take it to school.
Why don't you tell the people how long approximately it takes to receive
one of your pamphlets. Last I heard your mailroom is backed up about
five years. They wont even get it in time for X-Day. Who's the con now?
---------------------------------
Charles St. Onge
mailto:castong@nando.net
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
Charles St. Onge <castong@nando.net> wrote:
>Why don't you tell the people how long approximately it takes to receive
>one of your pamphlets. Last I heard your mailroom is backed up about
>five years. They wont even get it in time for X-Day. Who's the con now?
I sent my dollar in, back in January, and I got my pamphlet within 10
days or so. The ministry took about 5 weeks. What's your fucking
damage?
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: pphelan@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu (Neckstump)
pkitty@netcom.com (Purple Kitty) writes:
> Of course, I've been waiting over a month for my package...but I'm sure
> there's a simple, logical reason...
I don't think that the Foundation has EVER sent anything out.
You just send money to Dallas, and that very act increases your slack.
"Bob" then detects this, and then sends you the package. But the waiting
period is to intensify that pure slack of getting something from Dallas in
the mail, even though it did look like it had been run over, and it smelled
odd.
--
PPhelan@stevens-tech.edu, a CodeWarrior for Wotan
If you look deeply into the jello you will see him, but by then it will be
much too late. -- Neuronics 7:45 (tm, "Bob") Carrier Pigeon-Cheep Modem
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
On Tue. May 9, 1995, ljduchez@en.com told All:
lc> Well, I usually get my stuff inside of a month. This might be
> because, instead of cash, I barter in heavy ordnance -- it's much
> quicker to test a warhead than it is to wait for a check to clear.
> But the sacred ritual of asking where your stuff is, forces the Post
> Office to get its shit together and deliver your goods inside of 12
> hours. I ain't kidding, it's happened to a bunch of people here.
> Can I get a testimonial, brothers?
I prefer to have my stuff delivered in a biohazard package. They first
wrap it very loosely in plain brown paper so that it falls off after a day
or so of handling. Once it's uncovered, it gets priority shipping.
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (John P. Olinyk)
Charles St. Onge <castong@nando.net> writes:
>Why don't you tell the people how long approximately it takes to
>receive one of your pamphlets. Last I heard your mailroom is backed up
>about five years. They wont even get it in time for X-Day. Who's the con
>now?
Send me the dollar. I've already got a box of about 35 of the verdamnt
things lying around. I've already "sold" most of them, but I'll be happy
to send you one ASA I get your buck. Send it to:
O.L.I.N.Y.K.
P.O. BOX 2559
GRAND CENTRAL STATION
NEW YORK, NY 10163-2559
And, if you include keys, I'll send you some of MY dumb-ass shit, too!
--------------------------------------------------------
- told the judge to duck my .sig
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)
anarch@cse.ucsc.edu (Anarch) wrote:
> I am currently engaged in an experiment to see
> if sending a bunch of extra money will accelerate the transmission
> process. Will report when definite results are obtained.
Indeed, the use of indulgences has been around since the Middle Ages.
Back then, indulgences were used to speed the dead from Purgatory; now
they can be used to speed goods from the Church mail room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER ... Powerful Pamphlet $1
The SubGenius Foundation
P. O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: FAQ?
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
clavis@phantom.com (Grand Clavister) wrote:
> THE ALT.SLACK FAQ
GOOD LORD, MAN!!
Well, you certainly rose to the occasion. That's the best alt.slack FAQ
#273 YET. Right up there with #273, Nenslo's "Isn't this it?" There is a
FILE here. It is the FILE of ANSWERS to questions like, "Can you give me
the FAQ?", "What is this Church of the SubGenius about, anyway," "Who is
"Bob," etc. It is a veritable HEAVING, GRUNTING MORASS of CONTRADICTIONS.
This collection will be one of the first options you get when you first
get inside the Official SubGenius Web Site. A list of answers to your
simple question, HUNDREDS LONG. The explanatory ones like this will, of
course, be interspered with the Zen ones and CRUEL ones.
There's another file here of nothing but the NAUGHTY and SICK stuff from
alt.slack. Those posts are placed in either the files "MEN'S ROOM" or
"LADIES ROOM."
The longest file of all is called "FLAMES 2".
Other titles of gigantic files include KOOK LOVE, KOOK HATE, "BOB"
SIGHTINGS, THE HYMNAL, WEAPONS, SCIENCE... those are just a few of my fave categories. I'm nearing the point where I will conjoin the OLD alt.slack
collections with the NEW ones; I've had to work from head and tail
INWARDS, SIMULTANEOUSLY, and the two mighty pairs of rails spanning the continent will soon meet and be welded together somewhere in the middle of Kansas. I'm starting to wonder what's the most efficient way to get this stuff to McConville, who's directing the Web Assembly minions at the ironically-named SUNSite's computer lab, housed 5 miles beneath a North Carolina mountain. At this point I might as well just mail him the whole hard drive.
That's my report for this week. All I've done is compile alt.slack
composite chunks into FIST-able conglomerates almost ready for the oven. I
also have the last two STARK FISTs' text compiled. If I wasn't so old and
tired I'd post some of that crap here. Sterno and I are gonna drive to
Austin tomorrow and meet up with Gordon, Sphinx and Rudy Schwartz for the battle of the glands. (Philo, you fucked up, AGAIN!) Big devival Saturday at Adventures in Crime and Space books. We'll kiss babies and make speeches, and then go hole up somewhere and either cut a new album,
retrofit some Kassner heads to Moonies in that tilting boxcar Joe Newman
built to commemorate SLIDING (NOT the TV show!), or watch TV. Next week I have a "JOB!" A fun job. Doing final video barrage-editing of an Arisian
nature on a music video of the fine Akron Mystery Disco-Hell band, INDIAN ROPE BURN. (This video commemorates their appearance on a big-time collection of REKNOWNED CLEVELAND BANDS, a Sony CD called "STRAIGHT OUTTA CLEVELAND." Somehow our zany crew of young moptops join Devo, Pere Ubu, Dead Boys, etc.) You know those SPIDERS WITH HUMAN HEADS that Rev. Clay Mation and Zoogz Rift were commiserating about earlier in this newsgroup? Well, I got the videotapes today and sure enough, there were Clay's micro-home-videos of his Spiders with Human Heads. My job is to locate more "public domain-type" (i.e., ancient or FOREIGN) footage of Spiders with Human Heads, plus shots of arms, legs, glowing devil eyes, cultists in robes, s&m dungeons, whips, etc. -- you know, standard Saturday morning cartoon fare. Then I get to gas up the footage in Rev. Zepol's Toaster until it's all "fucked up looking" (today's fashionable cinematic style), and finally spend money on rented gear doing the inserts in the 3/4" offline master. HEUNH. NOT BAD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT! When I finish that, I get to do a quickie insert-edit routine on my 3-camera shoot of the LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL PLAY, "THE UBU PLAYS," by Alfred Jarry... yes, it's true, the local high school produced the famous French proto-dadaist play that begins and ends with the word, "SHIT!" And they won 3rd in State for One-Acts. My eldest played two roles, and I was blackmailed into doing a "good video" of it for the theater troup. The musical score consisted of Carl Stallings cartoon soundtrack tapes throughout. You would have to see this utterly bulldada freak show to believe it. It's amazing what a TWISTED FRENCH TEACHER can get a bunch of otherwise normal high school kids to do. If those parents in that audience had any idea what they were really hearing and seeing, they would have had the director SHOT. Luckily it was all just a hodgepodge of weirdness to most of them. I think some of the high school actors actually realized how essentially subversive the whole thing was. (I've sold a few Revelation X's to the cast.)
Well, it's one of those "you had to have been there" sorts of things.
Anyway, it'll be good to be force-freed from this FUCKING NEWSGROUP for
awhile! I've been MONITORING RELENTLESSLY and I can't seem to get it down below 450 posts! Oh well, by then the threads have usually fully "ripened" and are more easily HARVESTED.
Sterno just landed his helicopter on the highway outside! I'm outta here!
Don't post anything until I get back from Austin!
Rev. Ivan "Don't call me "Hey, "REV""" Stang
AND ABOUT THOSE MAIL ORDERS! One would think that more folks would notice that The SubGenius Foundation is not the ONLY mail order company in the world that states, "ALLOW 6 WEEKS FOR DELIVERY." The delivery only takes 3 weeks, but it takes 3 weeks for us to make sure the CHECKS from you CHISELING PIKERS will CLEAR! (About 1 in 20 DON'T.) Now I'll ADMIT that OCCASIONALLY someone doesn't get their "FIX" until 6 months after they ordered it. However, I would vouchsafe that were they to look at the ENVELOPE, it would display a 5 MONTH OLD POSTMARK!
It kills me, the way people complain LOUDLY all over ALT.SLACK, without
ever MENTIONING to the Foundation that something was amiss!
Oh well. UPS appointment next week. Then VISA. Damn it. All I wanted to do was... oh let's not go into it.
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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