Brethren and Sistern,
Lemme ask you ONE SIMPLE QUESTION...have you got SLACK?
Do you know what Slack is? (okay, that's two questions, but they're
related). Have you come to the realization that the only way to get
MORE Slack is through "Bob?".(make that three)
Now I thought I was slackful. I thought that because I had
successfully avoided a CON job by staying in school longer than is
necessarily good for you, that I could get more slack. I thought I
could get slack from false music, false drugs,and false sex, (though
sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's pretty good). But it's NOT
TRUE, my Breadwin, the only TRUE SLACK comes from "Bob".
Since I joined the church of the SubGenius, my life has been filled
with Slack. Just this week alone, at least half a dozen slackful
things have happened, and I didn't have to raise a hand:
Through Stang...I meet the incredible JOE NEWMAN who not only directs
me to a place where I can find a rare photo of my mother, but then
sends me a tape of his AMAZING MUSIC, the Rudy Schwartz Project's
"Enhanced Florence Henderson" and included another mother photo in the
packet. Needless to say, I'm buying more of his stufff, and you should
too! He's a most excellent musician. Slack for days...
Whenever you think the world is fucked up...realize that "Bob" is
fucking up FOR YOU (if you've sent in that $30) and that what looks
like it might be a royal screwing over a nail studded barrel, is in
fact, either saving your life, or the ONLY WAY that you'll get the
slack you deserve. For example the Blessed Will O'Dobbs screwed up
when sending out all my shit. He left out a tape. That disappointed
me, but I'm a patient soul, I can wait. I waited a month or so, then
I mentioned it to Stang...that I was anxious to hear what everyone
sounded like. Well, my friends, patience is its own reward, because
not only did I get my tape, but I got a copy of "Arise" as well, so
now, I not only have voice, but face! PRAISE "BOB" !!! and Praise Will
for a SubGenius fuckup that ended up being good FOR ME!
I've recieved valuable certificates and good reading stuff from
NENSLO, and as soon as Rev. Carey gets my $2, I'll be getting
"Reject"...The Slack is endless.
So...How do you KNOW? You muse, "Could I, a seeming human, actually be
one of the YETIKIN? Could I have the pstench that "Bob" knows as his
own? Well you gotta ask yourself...Do I feel ...LUCKY? Well, DO YA,
PUNK?? If you are...if you can possibly be...one of the few, the
insane, the tools of the Gods, you'll know it as soon as you send in
that $30. The luck plane will tilt in your favor, like a prostitute
with a broken heel...and you will come to know "Bob", and HE in turn,
will come to know you. (which could be dangerous, but never fear, the
church also has a terrific insurance program)
It's a squirtin' universe, and "Bob" opened my mouth. Hallelujah!
WRINKLES? HEMORRHOIDS? PELLAGRA?...for more info send $1 to:
The SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, Texas 75214
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
TarlaStar (bmyers@ionet.net) wrote:
: Through Stang...I meet the incredible JOE NEWMAN who not only directs
: me to a place where I can find a rare photo of my mother, but then
: sends me a tape of his AMAZING MUSIC, the Rudy Schwartz Project's
: "Enhanced Florence Henderson" and included another mother photo in the
: packet.
He wouldn't have included a photo of my mother in that there packet, did
he? I haven't seen her for days...
Kid Ginsu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
In a previous article, bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) says:
>I've recieved valuable certificates and good reading stuff from
>NENSLO, and as soon as Rev. Carey gets my $2, I'll be getting
>"Reject"...The Slack is endless.
Well, I've had your money for a couple of days now. I'm holding your
order and somebody else's until I get "Naked Death" in, or until
Saturday, whichever comes first.
But you're completely right, Tarla. Some "Subs" better put their money
where their mouth is. Whether it's ONE BUCK for a pamphlet or NENSLO
material or sending a tape to Dad or pilgrimating to Dokstok or even
sending me of all people a couple of dollars or choke hack SETTING UP
YOUR OWN MINISTRY or just bloody well doing *something* to keep the ball
rolling and gathering snow.
I think I've gotten in this argument before. Far be it from me to say
that Emergentiles are superior to Rewardians, but THEY ARE. Unless of
course said Rewardian pays off every once in a while.
If you don't TITHE in one way or another, well you're just letting the
Con roll right over your head. I particularly don't care what the hell
anybody does, but when I see CERTAIN FOLKS doing things that negate the
GOOD FAITH EFFORTS of others, even if it is out of some less than conscious neurotic motivation to be or seem this that or the other, well IT MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED THAT I COULD JUST CRY.
I have found that dollar bills absorb the tears quite nicely.
--
Rev. Matthew A. Carey Rips \ on Vision Temple--Tarzana, CA
18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 ]\[ "We are not an occult."
Tarzana, Calif. 91356 Rips \ off mnbvc
ac118@lafn.org ]\[
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) wrote:
> Whenever you think the world is fucked up...realize that "Bob" is
> fucking up FOR YOU (if you've sent in that $30) and that what looks
> like it might be a royal screwing over a nail studded barrel, is in
> fact, either saving your life, or the ONLY WAY that you'll get the
> slack you deserve. For example the Blessed Will O'Dobbs screwed up
> when sending out all my shit. He left out a tape. That disappointed
> me, but I'm a patient soul, I can wait. I waited a month or so, then
> I mentioned it to Stang...that I was anxious to hear what everyone
> sounded like. Well, my friends, patience is its own reward, because
> not only did I get my tape, but I got a copy of "Arise" as well, so
> now, I not only have voice, but face! PRAISE "BOB" !!! and Praise Will
> for a SubGenius fuckup that ended up being good FOR ME!
>
Tarla! Don't get everybody's HOPES up! You get special treatment because
you're a BABE and "BOB" NEEDS WOMEN. (Your cheery presence on alt.slack, your MIND, things like that -- they count for LITTLE.) Also, you were SUPPOSED to go on and on about how GOOD LOOKING we all are (or were, since much of ARISE was shot 10 or even 15 years ago). You know, like how Stang's collapsed chin and gap between his front teeth get you all wet, how Sterno's cute little round baby-face is so adorable, how that surgical mask looks so good on Dr. Drummond, how "darling" Janor is prancing around in front of that giant Dobbshead, etc. etc. But don't bother to mention Meyer. Meyer actually DOES look like a movie star, the bastard! (And YET he is a SubGenius! He told me that until he was 18, his nose and feet were the same size they are now, but he was only 5 feet tall. Plus he was the ONLY JEW in a tiny Georgia town.) So come ON. I want to hear what a hot-looking little nerd I used to be.
I'm curious, did Will ever send the tape you originally ordered? Or
rather, DID YOU GET IT? We discussed it while I was applying the Kiss of
Whip to his back, and I saw the actual cassette copy that was made for
you. It WAS sent.
Reason I ask is, I'm just trying to prove to everybody just how fucked up
the postal service is getting these days, and "I DIDN'T DO IT."
Incidentally, I have seen Tarla's pic on her Web Page, boys, and she's a
DOLL! Unfortunately there's some bearded guy in the picture with her. It
just FIGURES that she'd be a redhead. Man, I sure would like to see a
catfight between her and Rev. Susie the Floozie, who's also a redhead.
From a design standpoint only, of course.
Tarla, I sure don't blame you for sticking to your real name instead of
your human street name on alt.slack.
But you know what? I was talking to Iceknife yesterday on the phone and he
refered to you by that OTHER name!! Man. It's cognitive dissonance. Just
doesn't seem right. It's like when people call me "Doug." I hate that
shit. Just today one of my son's friends said, "Hello, Mr. Smith." I just
about punched him out. I said, "It's REVEREND STANG!!" He said, "Oh, well,
I wasn't sure which to use." I said, "I also answer to "Man," Dude," and
"Guy."" Can you imagine being called "MR. SMITH?" Now I don't mind
dwelling on this because this is alt.slack and we're all friends and
besides, my cover was blown long ago.
But just for future reference, "STANG" is the prefered mode of address.
"REV" is not. And if you call me fucking "DOUG" I'll never speak to you
again. Only my wives call me that.
Stang
And yes, I really am a SubGenius. Buck Naked took to insulting me by
saying I wasn't a SubGenius. Ha ha. The implication was that I was a
"genius," therefore evil. If I was a fucking genius I'd be way rich by
now, and I'd have a lot more people badmouthing me than Black, Naked and..
huh, I guess that's it so far (on the net, anyway). And my stuff would be
a LOT FUNNIER or at the very least I'd be able to use BIGGER WORDS. Yeah,
right, me genius. Me artboy. Shit.
Anybody ever hear of HARD WORK? As in busting your ass? Because you LIKE to? You'd be surprised how perseverance can make up for lack of brains. I can't say that it's really worked for me, YET, but I KNOW IT WILL. Dobbs said so.
GOD DAMN IT THERE GOES THE PHONE AGAIN!
Whoa. Calm down. Sorry. Getting carried away there. I'm supposed to be
writing articles and Stark Fists and mixing shows. This is just my way of
avoiding all that hard work I keep yabbering about.
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang) wrote:
>Tarla! Don't get everybody's HOPES up! You get special treatment because
>you're a BABE and "BOB" NEEDS WOMEN.
Well okay then...I KNEW I only got that video because I'm female and
kiss your ass constantly. SO? Yer point being...? It's STILL SLACK!
I was going to save my rant on how "cute" you all are/used to be for
another time, but since you're BEGGING for strokes...
Okay...
St.Paul Mavrides...Strange little goatee, very intense eyes. He
frightens me because I KNOW I'd just end up sleeping with him, and
getting my heart tromped on. Or he'd piss me off, and I'd kill him.
Stang...crooked little smile that is very charming. Looks like he's
always on the edge of bursting into laughter. His hair goes from close
cropped kinky to wild flowing grey locks in the space of 90 minutes.
Nice voice, but it tickles me to hear the Texas slipping through when
he gets goin'.
Sternodox....precious angel. I'd nuzzle him to my bosum in a New York
minute. He'd probably gnaw off my left tit, but that's OKAY. He is the
ONLY genuinely gentle looking SubGenius on the tape.
actually, Stang is wrong about David Meyer being the only good looking
SubGenius male. Puzzling Evidence was pretty good looking as well.
Pope David Meyer...oh sure, he looks good in a suit and sunglasses,
but what about HIS EYES???
Dr. Howl...looks like an British Egyptologist.
And Philo...well who the hell will ever know? Nice mask though.
>I'm curious, did Will ever send the tape you originally ordered? Or
>rather, DID YOU GET IT? We discussed it while I was applying the Kiss of
>Whip to his back, and I saw the actual cassette copy that was made for
>you. It WAS sent.
Yes he did...and as soon as I put it into the tape player...IT ATE IT
UP. I didn't mention how furious I was in my original post, because
the bearded guy I live with came home, looked at the curled up tape
wrapped around the heads of the machine, and said, "Trying to get
technical again?" Then he pulled the whole mess out, taped the ends
back together, and I was able to hear it. Man it's great to live with
someone for whom the word "electronic" doesn't equal "bowel-loosening
terror".
>Reason I ask is, I'm just trying to prove to everybody just how fucked up
>the postal service is getting these days, and "I DIDN'T DO IT."
You didn't do it. I've gotten EVERYTHING I ever sent for and MORE.
And it all arrived well within the 6 weeks stated.(except the tape and
that WASN'T YOUR FAULT.)
>Incidentally, I have seen Tarla's pic on her Web Page, boys, and she's a
>DOLL! Unfortunately there's some bearded guy in the picture with her. It
>just FIGURES that she'd be a redhead. Man, I sure would like to see a
>catfight between her and Rev. Susie the Floozie, who's also a redhead.
>From a design standpoint only, of course.
Wouldn't that be FUN...for all of YOU! I like the idea of each of us
with a flamethrower at DOKSTOK, and you boys can run the gauntlet
while we toast the PINK right out of you.
>Tarla, I sure don't blame you for sticking to your real name instead of
>your human street name on alt.slack.
Now you'll have them all thinking my name is Beulah or something.
>But you know what? I was talking to Iceknife yesterday on the phone and
>he refered to you by that OTHER name!! Man. It's cognitive dissonance.
>Just doesn't seem right.
I answer to both of them, but I find it disconcerting to have someone
from the 'net refer to me by my human name.
>But just for future reference, "STANG" is the prefered mode of address.
>"REV" is not. And if you call me fucking "DOUG" I'll never speak to you
>again. Only my wives call me that.
how about "Pookie"?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey) wrote:
> I think I've gotten in this argument before. Far be it from me to say
> that Emergentiles are superior to Rewardians, but THEY ARE. Unless of
> course said Rewardian pays off every once in a while.
WATCH it, man. Dobbs is the most Rewardian particle in the cosmos. I sure
as hell know what you mean, though. Without us rare Emergentiles planting
the crops, the god damned herds of Rewardians wouldn't have anything to
EAT.
It just pees my ass that without Rewardians, there would be no SLACK
PURITY. Let's face it, Emergentile Slack is tainted by definition. We need
the Rewardians (that's most of you reading this, you LAZY BASTARDS and
BITCHES and ... whatever..) getting in our ways, distracting us, slowing
us down, leaching off our toil, or we Emergentiles would rev up to such an
rpm that we'd JUST EXPLODE. The Rewardians on their own, likewise, would
have long since died out because no one would have invented fire or
blankets. Or rather, no one would have gone to the trouble of MAKING the
god damn fires or WEAVING the blankets. The Rewardians THOUGHT of the
fires and the blankets, but all they did was TALK about them; the
Emergentiles actually MADE PHYSICAL FIRES and BLANKETS. But had not some Rewardian SUGGESTED them, those Emergentiles would probably freeze to death while calculating the distance from the cave to the moon.
The Rewardian-Emergentile dichotomy is fractally reflected all through the
Church, from the free-for-all of alt.slack down to the corporate level,
the macrocosmic Church, The SubGenius Foundation Inc. I, Stang, the
Emergentile, do all the fucking work while Dr. Philo Drummond, Mr.
Archetypal Rewardian, just reaps royalties on the basis of A FEW OFFHAND REMARKS he made to Dobbs 30 years ago. But I'd have nothing but CONSPIRACY SWILL to work ON had not that lazy, indolent Philo not happened to mention to me in his UTTER SLOTH that an even MORE no-account friend, a Mr. "Bob" Dobbs, was looking to hire a p.r. rep. You'll notice that Philo doesn't post much here, and when he does, it's RETARDED. Well, that's because he's occupied with more important Rewardian pursuits like sitting around on his ASS, FROPPING, playing with his kids, walking the dog, basking in VIDEO BULLDADA or a GOOD BOOK, practicing NONSTOP BLINDING SEXHURT DAY IN AND DAY OUT, THE FUCKING JERK!!!! And meanwhile I am here, week after week, endlessly toiling away at the keyboard, planning for the future, diplomatically dealing with EVERYONE AND ITS BROTHER, storing away food for the winter like the good Ant while that SHIFTLESS GRASSHOPPER, Dr. Philo Drummond, "OVERMAN" (!!!), JACKS OFF TO HIS OWN COOLNESS AND BUYS
NEW SWIMMING POOLS ON ROYALTY CHECKS!!! And WHY? WHY???!?!
Because he happens to be GOOD PALS with fucking god damned "BOB," THAT'S why. Man, it just ain't fair.
> If you don't TITHE in one way or another, well you're just letting the
> Con roll right over your head. I particularly don't care what the hell
> anybody does, but when I see CERTAIN FOLKS doing things that negate the
> GOOD FAITH EFFORTS of others, even if it is out of some less than
> conscious neurotic motivation to be or seem this that or the other, well IT
> MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED THAT I COULD JUST CRY.
>
> I have found that dollar bills absorb the tears quite nicely.
A ROOM FULL OF ONE DOLLAR CHECKS is even more absorbent.
Not bitter or gnawing rugs or anything,
Rev. Ivan "I Don't Get No Respect" Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: pkitty@netcom.com (Purple Kitty)
Rev. Ivan Stang (i.stang@metronet.com) wrote:
: WATCH it, man. Dobbs is the most Rewardian particle in the cosmos. I
: sure as hell know what you mean, though. Without us rare Emergentiles
: planting the crops, the god damned herds of Rewardians wouldn't have
: anything to EAT.
Big deal...some of us have sidEvolved to the point where we don't NEED
food...kind of a cross between suspended animation and suspended belief.
I'd say more, but if you started trying this stuff out, we'd NEVER get
our Stark Fists.
: It just pees my ass that without Rewardians, there would be no SLACK
: PURITY. Let's face it, Emergentile Slack is tainted by definition. We need
: the Rewardians (that's most of you reading this, you LAZY BASTARDS and
: BITCHES and ... whatever..)
Hey, I put in the effort to reply to this! That's about as Emergentile as
I get...:-)
: Philo Drummond, "OVERMAN" (!!!), JACKS OFF TO HIS OWN COOLNESS
: AND BUYS NEW SWIMMING POOLS ON ROYALTY CHECKS!!! And WHY?
: WHY???!?! Because he happens to be GOOD PALS with fucking god damned
: "BOB," THAT'S why. Man, it just ain't fair.
You're right...maybe you should pack up and get a Con job. A nice middle
management position in a nice company in some nice city somewhere, making a decent salary and wearing a nice suit and tie while sitting behind the desk with "Mr. Smith" in a nice bronze plaque sitting on it. Howzzat sound? C'mon! You know you wouldn't stop doing this for all the world (not that its resale value is that high right now) cuz you LOVE IT! Even if every
word typed into your computer resulted in a mighty sledgehammer blow to
the head, you'd still have a ZILLION times the slack that you would if
you just whored your talents to the Con, and you know it! Now smile,
sneer at Philo's picture in cathardic jealousy, and get back to bouncing
and buzzing off the walls like the Church-approved Emergentile that you
are. Meanwhile, we Rewardians will keep sending in a dollar here and a
dollar there...and life goes on...
: > I have found that dollar bills absorb the tears quite nicely.
: A ROOM FULL OF ONE DOLLAR CHECKS is even more absorbent.
Hmf...reminds me. I still haven't received that check for $.25 from the
phone company for that pay phone eating my quarter.
Rev Pee Kitty
--
Meow!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ARE YOU REALLY A SUBGENIUS???
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
On Fri. May 19, 1995, i.stang@metronet.com told All:
> If I was a fucking genius I'd be way
> rich by now,
Whoa! Now WAIT a FUCKING SECOND there. You damn sure WOULD NOT be.
You'd be a CLEAR sight more miserable, because you'd KNOW EVEN BETTER what your worth is and you STILL wouldn't get it. Smarts is nothing more than a SHARPER EDGE for the CON'S TOOLS, and they sure as hell don't let their favorite robots run rampant. No, nonono, they HONE them and BROW beat them with YOUSHOULD's and GOT-TO's and DUTYTOGODANDCOUNTRY's. I had to ruin a PERFECTLY GOOD LIFE to get the hell away from them, and rebuild it from the DIRT I SLEPT IN, living as a SOCIAL MISFIT until I had them convinced I was full tilt gonzo so they'd leave me the hell alone and I could have fun again without them drafting me into their URBAN DEATH CAMP MUTUAL ANIHILATION FAN CLUB. *THEY* would be rich, and YOU, you lucky bastard, you'd have a HUGE wad of carrots on a stick that you'd follow all the way to the edge of the six foot hole, and they'd SNATCH them from you as you fell in, just to hang them in front of the next poor dupe to "pass" the test. SUB is the saving grace that protects us, and there's NO DOUBT in my stretch-marked brain that Dobbs would not say otherwise.
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * It's not an optical illusion -- it just looks like one.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: R U REALLY a Subgenius???
From: michelle.hass@ledge.com (MICHELLE HASS)
MC>From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
MC>I had a spiritual teacher once. She said "Maybe there's something *to*
MC>that 'ignorance is bliss.' If I wasn't so BRILLIANT, maybe I'd be happy."
MC>And I said, "don't be so arrogant."
MC>Then later I said, "nobody appreciates or respects me."
MC>And she said, "what have you ever done to be appreciated or respected?"
MC>And I said "shutup."
Glad you told that "spiritual teacher" to go fuck herself!
MC>What I'm saying is GOD IF YOU'RE UP THERE COME ON DOWN HERE SO I
MC>CAN SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO YOU UGLY BASTARD I'LL PULL YOUR
MC>ALL SEEING EYES OUT WITH AN OLD CORKSCREW!!!!
MC>Or die trying.
Yeah baby yeah!!! Hoo-yah! If everything the Jeezo-grovelers say is
true, and we're all gonna have to go before THE GREAT WHITE THRONE and
be judged by JHVH-1, I look forward to the opportunity to HOCK A NICE
BIG LOOGIE ON DA BIG GUY'S FACE BEFORE THEY SPRING THE TRAP DOOR AND I'M SENT TUMBLING DOWN TO HELL!
In Slack,
The Highly Irreverend Hell Kitty
* SLMR 2.1a * Political Correctness is the enemy of Good Art.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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