Yeah, it's kind of Erma Bromberg-y... so sue me

Correspondent:: John Starrett
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 18:30:42 -0700

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The following came from a Mother in Austin, Texas...


25 Things I've learned from my Boys (completely honest, no joking):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and then run over them with
Roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy around the room, even though he is
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough,
however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint all over the four walls
of a 20 x 20 ft. room and everything in between.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up in the air when the ceiling fan
is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and immediately after the words
"uhoh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke; a LOT of smoke.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though
a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old boy.

11.) Play-dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence...ever.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still
can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCRs do not eject PB & J sandwiches inserted into them even though
TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in your gas tank make a lot of noise when you're driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys and
ovens have a shared distaste.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats can throw up their entire body weight when dizzy enough.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing Clorox with brake fluid.

25.) 90% of women who read this will pass it on to all of their
friends, with or without kids.


John Starrett


Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 15 Feb 2005 18:14:20 -0800

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And now, the Patrio-Psychotic-Anarcho-Materialistic Response:

25 Things I've Learned from J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep. More than enough to drown a $17 hooker named
Chloe.

2.) If you spray gasoline on a pink, he will ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant, and what he has to say will likely be much more interesting
than what those other jerk-offs are talking about.

4.) If you hook a Dobbshead to a ceiling fan and then drink half a
shotglass of liquid LSD and then proceed to stare intently at his awful
rotating visage, your chance of recovery is 7%.

5.)You should throw kittens up in the air when the ceiling fan is on
after you have painstakingly honed it's Dobbshead adorned,
vertigo-inducing blades to razor sharpness. While sharpening the
blades, the thought might cross your mind that all this work might not
be worth it. It will be.

6.) When you get sick of talking about ceiling fans, stop.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and immediately after the words
"uhoh", it's already too late, they've already drowned the newborn.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox is poison. Put some in a bottle of
Visine and take it to the bar. When a woman rejects your advances, kill
her.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with his mind. He must be
encouraged in this talent.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old boy. Certain Buicks will pass through Artenia Salina's well used
bung-hole.

11.) Play-dough and "cumshot" should not be used in the same
sentence...ever.

12.) Super glue is forever. So are diamonds and certain types of VD.
Give the gift that keeps on giving. Give her the clap.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still
can't walk on water. "Bob" on the other hand, can walk on a river of
Ol' Grandad.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. One time "Bob" made the greatest
sandwich of all time out of two pieces of plywood and the disembodied
bowels of Charles Nelson Riley and some pickle relish. It was
excellent.

15.) VCRs do not eject PB & J sandwiches inserted into them even though
TV commercials show they do. I like to rip off Dennis Leary bits and
send them in E-Mails without any credit so people think I'm creative.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. They do however, make
EXCELLENT masks for Halloweening toddlers. Put a bag over his head
today. Save you a lot of money, too.

17.) Marbles in your gas tank make a lot of noise when you're driving.
Or so this jerk who pissed me off when I was 15 tells me.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. If you really
must know, it's the stench of napalm in the morning. On your skin.
You're soaking in it.

19.)Always look in the oven before you turn it on; Nenslo might NOT be
in there. If not, lure him with some candy. Everyone likes candy.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The fire department's response time in Brushwood, NY will be nowhere
near fast enough to prevent the tragedy.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy. But if you throw the brake fluid and Clorox mixture in there,
you can have your very own "Hell-Washer". Huey has one, and he has that
motherfucker TRICKED OUT with spinning rims and a chain-link steering
wheel and dingleballs and a custom paint job that says "LOVE MACHINE".

22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats
dizzy. The Hell-Washer will kill your cat. The lid has a diagram
printed on the inside of a cat being placed inside with a 3 pound bag
of thumbtacks.

23.)80% of men who read this are thinking about getting a blow-job
right now. The other 20% are thinking about a rimmer.

24.) 90% of women who read this are ball-breaking sluts. I leave 10%
room for error.

25.) Fuck this shit.



Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:39:54 GMT

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In article <1108520060.183448.40780@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
"Paul Casino" wrote:

> 25.) Fuck this shit.

Is that another Ron Jeremy joke?

--

HellPope Huey
My guardian angel is a drunk.

A church with no great anguish on its heart
has no great music on its lips.
- Karl Barth

Why is a birthday cake the only food
you can blow on and spit on
and everybody rushes to get a piece?
- Bobby Kelton


Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 15 Feb 2005 18:53:41 -0800

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> Is that another Ron Jeremy joke?

Aw, come on, man. Look at all the set-up that I gave you, and THAT'S
the best reply you can come up with? That post took at least 20 minutes
of my life! I could have been beating up Mormons in that time! They
need hitting, I have a need to hit them, and I put that on hold for
THAT? Damnit, I'm really gonna lace into them fuckers now, I have some
agression to work off.



Correspondent:: Baldin Pramer
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 20:23:49 -0700

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Paul Casino wrote:
>>Is that another Ron Jeremy joke?
>
>
> Aw, come on, man. Look at all the set-up that I gave you, and THAT'S
> the best reply you can come up with? That post took at least 20 minutes
> of my life! I could have been beating up Mormons in that time! They
> need hitting, I have a need to hit them, and I put that on hold for
> THAT? Damnit, I'm really gonna lace into them fuckers now, I have some
> agression to work off.
>

Well, *I* appreciated it, but I don't have the rep that HPH has, so I
can just say "uh, yeah. funny".

--
Sir Baldin Pramer, R.P.A.


Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 05:16:21 GMT

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In article <1108522421.904613.133300@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com>,
"Paul Casino" wrote:

> > Is that another Ron Jeremy joke?
>
> Aw, come on, man. Look at all the set-up that I gave you, and THAT'S
> the best reply you can come up with?

Well goddamnit, I'm medicated to the fucking gills. Some days I just
don't happen to FEEL like running through Pobuckerville, knocking
people's heads off like Paul Newman doing in those parking meters in
"Cool Hand Luke." Some days I just shake the bat a little and go
"Arrrrh." You'd be amazed how much hate even the smallest effort can
generate. People get ever so upset just because you walk through
Wal-Mart wearing a shirt that says "I fucked Big Bird up the ass." Its a
real blizzard of cretins out there.

If you want a detailed, point-by-point reply, okay, repost it, but if
you piss on my leg, you ain't gettin' SHIT for Xmas.

--

HellPope Huey
Part of being HellPope
is that you have to spend
too much time at the office.

It is hard to be strong and not rash.
- Japanese Proverb
[from H.L. Mencken's Dictionary]

"I hear music in my head all the time.
Sometimes it makes my brain throb
and the room starts to turn.
I feel I'm going mad.
With this music, we will paint pictures
of earth and space
so that the listener can be taken somewhere.
It's going to be something
that will open up a new sense in people's minds.
- Jimi Hendrix


Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 11:08:00 -0500

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In article <1108522421.904613.133300@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com>,
Paul Casino wrote:

> > Is that another Ron Jeremy joke?
>
> Aw, come on, man. Look at all the set-up that I gave you, and THAT'S
> the best reply you can come up with? That post took at least 20 minutes
> of my life! I could have been beating up Mormons in that time! They
> need hitting, I have a need to hit them, and I put that on hold for
> THAT? Damnit, I'm really gonna lace into them fuckers now, I have some
> agression to work off.
>

I thought it was funny and I appreciate the 20 minutes of slackwork you
put into it! I bet it took even more than 20 minutes. But then I
thought the original was funny, too, because I was a Mom in Texas
myself once. (Some Texas moms have dicks(s).) I even thought Erma
Bombeck was a pretty funny writer as far as that kind of humor goes. I
have been in previous-marriage doghouse for not applying myself and
writing my way to big bucks via those Erma Bombeck/Dave Barry type
humor columns. But some demon inside me, possibly the utter lack of any
motivation, kept me from doing that anywhere but here on alt.slack,
where it's REALLY pointless and unappreciated almost by definition,
whether good or bad. Praise alt.slack

HA! Some guy emailed me and said it would be a good idea if we had a
SUBGENIUS FORUM on SUBSITE!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Hey, aren't I supposed to be editing video or something? Putting all
those new things in the catalog? Doing a mass mailing? Fixing the
mailing addresses for event postvard mailings? Anyway I thought your
take-off was good. Leave the Mormons be for now.

Pope David N. Meyer II suggested once that he would so like to spunk in
the face of a particular Mormon gal he knew. This prompted the phrase
"Spunk in the Face of a Mormon" and related interpolations such as
"Buttsplit a Moonie" and "Crack a Scientologist Wide Open Today", as
heard in SO MANY Drs. for Wotan tunes.

But I'm supposed to be monkeying with that video now. God damn it I've
been trying to carve an island of time for it for WEEKS -- and now I'm
PROCRASTINATING!

Ah, the SubGenius Emergentile Brain! Like a damn contrary MULE. You
have to whip it to get it moving on something. But once you finally get
it started moving, it will go on for HOURS, churning along like a
REMORSELESS MACHINE, and eventually it's almost impossible to get it to
STOP. At the end it's going so fast it wants to burn up in the
atmosphere when it finally starts coming back in from orbit.

--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB


Correspondent:: "ArWeGod"
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 10:47:46 GMT

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"Paul Casino" wrote in message
news:1108520060.183448.40780@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> And now, the Patrio-Psychotic-Anarcho-Materialistic Response:
>
> 22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats
> dizzy. The Hell-Washer will kill your cat. The lid has a diagram
> printed on the inside of a cat being placed inside with a 3 pound bag
> of thumbtacks.
>

How do you print on the inside of a cat with a 3 bag of thumbtacks?!

--
ArWeCareful




Correspondent:: Artemia Salina
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:28:55 -0500

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YOU MONSTER!! What have you done with Erma Bombeck and who is this
Bromberg person?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!11

--
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0
0:-) Artemia Salina (-:0
0:-) Surrounded by Angels (-:0
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0



Correspondent:: John Starrett
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 11:05:03 -0700

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Artemia Salina wrote:

> YOU MONSTER!! What have you done with Erma Bombeck and who is this
> Bromberg person?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!11
>

Her grandfather had his name changed in Ellis Island.

JS
Yeah, that's it.


Correspondent:: Artemia Salina
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 13:42:11 -0500

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On Wed, 16 Feb 2005 11:05:03 -0700, John Starrett wrote:

> Artemia Salina wrote:
>
>> YOU MONSTER!! What have you done with Erma Bombeck and who is this
>> Bromberg person?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!11
>>
>
> Her grandfather had his name changed in Ellis Island.
>
> JS
> Yeah, that's it.

I wonder if anyone has ever had their name changed TO "Ellis Island"
at Ellis Island?

--
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0
0:-) Artemia Salina (-:0
0:-) Surrounded by Angels (-:0
0:-) 0:-) 0:-) 0:-) (-:0 (-:0 (-:0 (-:0



Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 16 Feb 2005 16:10:53 -0800

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I just want all 'a yall's to know I was busting on Huey earlier there,
not fishing for compliments, which were appreciated in any case. First
time I ever got an ego BOOST round these parts, as opposed to the
normal quivering and crying routine that I go through as I minimize the
alt.slack browser in horror and shame.



Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 03:26:07 GMT

--------
In article <1108599053.127070.19460@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
"Paul Casino" wrote:

> I just want all 'a yall's to know I was busting on Huey earlier there,
> not fishing for compliments, which were appreciated in any case. First
> time I ever got an ego BOOST round these parts, as opposed to the
> normal quivering and crying routine that I go through as I minimize the
> alt.slack browser in horror and shame.

Well see, that's why the compliments are so rare. If you're still even
CAPABLE of horror or ESPECIALLY "shame," you're exuding the wrong scent
to be a "real" SubGenius. You'll never be fully accepted until you
publically kick someone's granny in the privates with a steel-tipped toe
cap and even then, if someone decides "Fuck 'em if they can't take a
joke" should not apply to THEM, why, you'll get the Kidney Punch of the
Gods anyway.

Also, if you show any humanity at all, everyone will pile on, squish
the air out of you and steal your wallet. When they get bored and wander
off again, someone will leave a latex arm in your boom-boom as a lovely
parting gift.

Anyway, you're a bright and lovely human being who adds a great deal to
the group. Now will you please return my latex arm?

--

HellPope Huey
Part of being HellPope
is that you have to spend
too much time at the office.

It is hard to be strong and not rash.
- Japanese Proverb
[from H.L. Mencken's Dictionary]

"I hear music in my head all the time.
Sometimes it makes my brain throb
and the room starts to turn.
I feel I'm going mad.
With this music, we will paint pictures
of earth and space
so that the listener can be taken somewhere.
It's going to be something
that will open up a new sense in people's minds.
- Jimi Hendrix


Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 16 Feb 2005 20:48:10 -0800

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>Now will you please return my latex arm?

Uh...yeah, no problem. It's pretty far up there, up the boom-boom, so
you might need to put your foot on the small of my back for leverage to
yank it out. No, it's totally hetero, it's cool. Actually, I can kind
of feel one of the fingers tickling that dangly thing in the back of my
throat, the volvo or whatever the fuck it's called. Vulva? No,
that's...chicks, I think. Better get it out soon, I know that one of
them fingers breaks off into a lazer gun like in James Bond movies, and
considering the angle it's at to my brain, we'd better do this ASAFP.
I'm 'a go dislocate my jaw, we'll do this thing...'git 'er done, or
whatever that redneck piece of sister fucking trash always sez.



Correspondent:: John Starrett
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 12:15:58 -0700

--------
Paul Casino wrote:

>>Now will you please return my latex arm?
>
>
> Uh...yeah, no problem. It's pretty far up there, up the boom-boom, so
> you might need to put your foot on the small of my back for leverage to
> yank it out. No, it's totally hetero, it's cool. Actually, I can kind
> of feel one of the fingers tickling that dangly thing in the back of my
> throat, the volvo or whatever the fuck it's called. Vulva? No,
> that's...chicks, I think. Better get it out soon, I know that one of
> them fingers breaks off into a lazer gun like in James Bond movies, and
> considering the angle it's at to my brain, we'd better do this ASAFP.
> I'm 'a go dislocate my jaw, we'll do this thing...'git 'er done, or
> whatever that redneck piece of sister fucking trash always sez.
>

Look, if you are using it, maybe Huey better get a new one.

JS


Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 17 Feb 2005 16:08:23 -0800

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Maybe you're right...it's gettin' kinda...dare I say, comfy, up there.



Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 00:27:47 GMT

--------
In article <3Ladnc-9_JZRcYnfRVn-uA@nmt.edu>,
John Starrett wrote:
> Paul Casino wrote:
>
> >>Now will you please return my latex arm?
> >
> > Uh...yeah, no problem. It's pretty far up there, up the boom-boom, so
> > you might need to put your foot on the small of my back for leverage to
> > yank it out. No, it's totally hetero, it's cool. Actually, I can kind
> > of feel one of the fingers tickling that dangly thing in the back of my
> > throat, the volvo or whatever the fuck it's called. Vulva? No,
> > that's...chicks, I think. Better get it out soon, I know that one of
> > them fingers breaks off into a lazer gun like in James Bond movies, and
> > considering the angle it's at to my brain, we'd better do this ASAFP.
> > I'm 'a go dislocate my jaw, we'll do this thing...'git 'er done, or
> > whatever that redneck piece of sister fucking trash always sez.
> >
> Look, if you are using it, maybe Huey better get a new one.

If you like the arm, you'll go GA-GA over the LEG. PRAISE THE LEG!!

--

HellPope Huey
Go the the pet store and buy a box of white mice,
such as people feed their pet snakes
and drive around throwing them at people from your car.
That should clear your head a bit.

That best portion of a good man's life:
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
of kindness and of love.
- William Wordsworth

"Cool! I'm vomit!"
- Bart Simpson