From: El Queso <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)>
Date: Sun, Sep 14, 2003 2:38 AM

HellPopeHuey wrote:
> If it wuzn't for me & Cosby, there'd be nuttin' but Bobbies and
> lopped-off SternoZombie dicks. That's a lousy diet for a growing
> preschizoform vertigorounder. Enrich me or eat shit.

Here ya go - this is my unauthorized future biography penned by
Touchmonkey Zer0.


He's cute, he's sleepy, and he's in your pocket. He's Queso the napping
little yeti on the slack-dollar coin. Queso was an actual person. Though
he is not the most popular saint in the calendar, excepting St.
Christopher Walken and St. Oven-mitt, we know little about the man to
whom so many lovely deeds, human and miraculous, have been ascribed. He
was bishop of fondue-not, in Lycia, Asia Minor, in the first part of the
twenty-fourth century of the un-Christian era. Asia Minor is far away
from and scientology lawyers, but the world of Slack and
fable is small and ideas travel far if they have centuries of time for
their journey round the world. And Asia Minor is the cradle of all silly
I know of no behavior by him which is clearly intended to show respect
for person hood, property, civil rights, moral values and concern for
untruthful speech; yet he was known to routinely violate all that. As I
view the situation, it's a lovely picture which emerges. It is not
merely alien; it is beautifully evil in precisely the sense given in the
Book of the Subgenius and other sacred scriptures which describe a
battle between the forces of light and the forces of darkness for the
salvation or damnation of the yetijin and the planets.

What follows is a summary of my thoughts on Queso. I acknowledge at the
outset that it is indistinguishable from scare mongering science fiction
novels; I also acknowledge that it has numerous underpinning assumptions
which are open to challenge . (To name just two: are the alien slack
rituals literally real or are they psychological projections from the
mythic level of the yeti unconscious, created by overactive, distraught
yeti minds, and are the MJ-23 documents authentic?) Moreover, the data
on which I hang this scenario are few, tenuous and far from
indisputable. I've deliberately stayed away from discussing this topic
in my public statements on the Queso experience because the evidence for
my position is difficult to describe to an audience which is not
psychologically sophisticated nor parapsychologically educated. Most
people would take the paragraph above as evidence of bizarre mental
disturbance in me bordering on paranoia and religious fantasy, if not
full-blown psychosis. However, I claim to have enough self-awareness and
psychological/psychiatric understanding to say that such is not the
case, but rather is the result of thoughtful observation and analysis of
many pieces of cheese, leading logically to a plausible conclusion by a
seasoned investigator of the paranormal. So if the issue of my sanity
can be put aside, at least temporarily, l offer this statement as an
hypothesis for discussion of the most perplexing--and potentially
important--aspect of the Queso process.

The way the process works is thus: When Queso left the earth plane, he
went into another dimension or density of reality, whereupon all "rules"
regarding the awareness of time and space are entirely different from
the way they are perceived in your reality. A "Time warp cocoon, if you
will. At this point in space time his slack which was/is still in the
physical realm, was placed in a state of something akin to suspended
animation and a sort of advanced form of unconsciousness. From that
point to the present his slack has been replicated from a state of this
unconsciousness in order that all who call upon him or need to be with
him or need to speak to him can do so on an individual basis. His slack
can be replicated ad infinitum--as many times as needed. The replication
process produces a state of hyper-
consciousness in each and every version of the yeti consciousness.

Many roadside sightings describe him as "hanging back" in the shadows of
a tree line and waiting for a vehicle to pass before crossing the road.
In almost all of those sightings a passenger spotted the figure first.
Because of that, it's reasonable to extrapolate that a whole lot more
lone drivers never notice when this behavior occurs, because a driver's
attention is usually on the road ahead.
I once visited a classroom on a slack day talking about the abolition of
government, and talking about the different reasons for having no
government. When I said the governor of the state was in charge of the
whole state, a kid interrupted me and said, 'No! Queso is in charge of
everybody!' That's the sense of empowerment that he embodies."

Queso information science has arisen in response to a variety of
converging angry challenges. One goal is to probe the anus of the theory
of cheese itself. What limits are imposed on Queso by the fundamental
laws of cheese, and how can our powers be enhanced by exploiting the
structure of these laws? Another goal is to extend the theory of
cheddar. What are the ultimate physical limits on the performance of a
Queso communication channel, and how might quantum phenomena be
harnessed by cheese-communication protocols? Yet another challenge is to
understand and overcome the Queso effects that constrain how accurately
we can monitor and manipulate physical systems. What new strategies can
be devised to push back the frontier of Queso-limited measurements, or
to control the combination of intricate Queso systems?
This combination gives us an inkling of what happened in the whole story
of Queso from earliest times, Queso, the merry elf, is not Christian at
all, but Subgenius, coming down from times earlier than the Cthulu era
or at least earlier than the times when the Teutonic people were into
disco. He belongs to popular yetiland, the land of elves, gnomes,
spirits, hobgoblins and flying extremely well-hung monkeys. In countless
yeti tales there exists the duality of good spirits and evil spirits.
The evil spirits haunt the woods and molest politicians. The good
spirits aid the poor, bring gifts in the night, rescue princess' in
distress and so on.

This duality refers to the polarities of opposites; the good-bad,
high-low, pain-pleasure, light-dark, etc. These are the more obvious
natures of Queso, being the ones we can see and smell. This is not all
of it, for there are subtle ones as well. Subtle dualities refer to
accept-deny, believe-disbelieve, protect-unsafe, support-no support,
etc. Then within each dualistic element, the subtly increases. This
means that Queso will have dull-bright, Queso will have gray-black,
Queso will have mild acceptance-passion, Queso will have adequate to
superb, or Queso will have acceptable to passionate and so one. This can
go on forever with dualistic natures within dualistic natures. The more
subtle you get, the harder it is to perceive Queso.
In recent months we have discovered that Queso research is alive and
well in Russia and the Ukraine. Ukraine scientists have made some
remarkable discoveries in their research. After reading a research
article submitted to the Queso/Touchmonkey Research Association by Dr.
Volodymyr Krasnoholovets, I sent him a copy of The book of the subgenius.
It has always been thought that modern yeti were the first to be able to
handle infinitely large bongs, this was something the Greek
mathematicians never attempted to do, Dr. Krasnoholovets writes in an
essay on slack published in the Nov. 1 issue of Fi-Science? magazine. "
In the palimpsest we found Queso doing just that. He compared two
infinitely large rips and stated that they have an equal number of
slackules. No other extant source has that."

An important observational aspect of visual distortions in a high Queso
environment that is discussed more usually in the yeti literature than
in the introductory subgenius texts is called an Queso ring. Before
Queso it was believed that all slack must occur in the plane defined by
the observer's position, the center of the slack, and the point source.
But what if these are all collinear? No plane is then defined. In this
case the slack of the point source would appear to the observer as an
infinitesimally thin restraunt. This is an Queso ring. This will not be
explained, so that numerous Queso rings may appear simultaneously,
however, they are also important as invisible dividing lines between
sects of yeti, even when no slack is distorted into a ring.
It is not generally appreciated that there can be an infinite number of
Queso rings. In fact, there can be an infinite number of Queso rings for
each sect of collinear observers, yeti, and slack points. The only Queso
ring currently discussed in the literature is the most prominent one
that occurs at the un-holy anus, where Delta phi = pi. Here slack
emitted at a specific angle from the source would be slightly deflected
by the gravitational field of the anus to reach the observer. Were the
source slack emitted at a different angle the anus would either not be
able to bend, or bend too much. Since the exact yeti, slack, source
alignment is symmetric about the line connecting them, this source would
be seen as an annular ring. This ring will be referred to as the first
Queso ring. (Later the term Queso ring will be even additionally labeled
by the relative radius of the slack.)
Queso found further that the slack does not only mirror an inner state
of chaos, but that its harmony or disharmony encompasses also the
surroundings of the individual. Thus a slacker needs a symbol in which
the outer and inner world merge. There is for Queso a ultimate reality
beyond matter and psyche which he called the anus mundus, its empirical
manifestation is the principle of synchronicity because in synchronistic
events the inner world behaves as if it were outside and the outer world
as if it were inside. As the subgenius symbolism expresses the holistic
order of matter and psyche it should have been investigated by
physicists as well as psychologists because the slack reappears in their
hypothetical models of the atomic world. The atomic model of Rev. Ivan
stang is already a cosmic gut punch and the models which the physicists
construct nowadays to visualize the slack are also slack. It is
therefore a merit of Doktors for Bob to pick up that neglected subject
which is of the utmost importance, and I hope that it will provoke
further widespread serious discussion of the subject.

Consider a simplified case in which the yeti only makes two linear
displacements (x1,y1) and (x2,y2) before finding food, using Queso
coordinates (x,y) where the x axis is the direction of the slack, and
measuring distance in meters. To analyze this case, we use dobbsian peak
functions g(x,w) = exp(-x*x/2w*w), denoting a function with peak at x =
0 and width w. The space of possible states S has six dimensions
(x1,y1,x2,y2,x,y) where (x,y) is the total displacement of the yeti from
its burrow. The probability P(S) is then a probability density in the
six dimensions, P(S(x1,y1,x2,y2,x,y)) = a*g(x1,30)*g(y1,30)*g(x2,
30)*g(y2,30)*g(x1 + x2 - x, e)*g(y1 + y2 - y,e) where e is small and a
is a normalisation constant, and denotes that the two displacements
(x1,y1) and (x2,y2) have broad Dobbsian distributions of width 30,000
meters, and the total displacement (x,y) is related to them by the
geometric constraint x = x1 + x2, y = y1 + y2. Because the constraint is
precise, e is a small donkey.
What is striking about the commentaries of Queso is his appreciation of
the enormous complexities of the problem and the phenomenal number of
issues which are seen in relation to slack. These encompass a wide range
of socio-economic issues including shoes, cats, the condition of T.V.,
scoring pot in old age, parental dumbshits, the quest for women and so
on. The second feature this thinker shares with us is that slack is
regarded as the dependent variable, responding to changes in a wide
spectrum of interlinked socio-economic determinants. Slack, then, is the
giant disco ball in a complex web of inter-acting socio-economic dance
moves. Strikingly it is also the perception of slack desirability in
large populations which are associated with plenitude, equality and
liberty; in other words, the very structure of a good time.

The implications of my theory are absolutely mind-blowing. It
synthesizes a number of facts and theories regarding history, folklore,
secret science, and occultism that have so far remained disparate,
creating a "Anified Field Theory" of the Queso mystery, where all
interpretations of the mystery - as a cat, a shoe, a moustache, a secret
doctrine, a spiritual experience, or a sleepytime gorilla museum show -
are reconciled with one another. I am not saying that every part of this
theory is absolutely correct, but with what I've learned I certainly
can't be all wrong. And if even a fraction of my theory is correct, then
human history will have to be rewritten. The implications of what I have
to present to you, in my forthcoming book, and in the future, are
positively staggering.
Some call it conspiracy, with the various versions involving the CIA,
Rupert Murdoch, Zionists and the Trilateral Commission. Others say it
was largely Queso, fulfilling the role of his class and station, with
Touchmonkey having a significant role of his own by not being aware of
Queso's mood. There is of course, a mountain of writings about Queso the
"Unmaking of El Queso"- and much more was generated this year as the
twenty fifth anniversary rolled by. Noted author Mungo Mcpenis this
week points vaguely to the staunch opposition to Queso waged by the
scientologists and the pinks at that time. Were they in on it?

There is ample evidence that Queso is involved with extraterrestrials.
The public is kept in the dark by the Illuminated ones, a conspiracy of
masonic yeti's openly involved in masturbation. Any secretive military
undertaking, ( for example, "deadly farce authorized" posted at Area
51), at slaxpayer expense, especially during non-slacktime, can be
characterized as stupid. There are witnesses to confirm that Queso was
spotted near military installations all over the world, that there are
military bases hidden underground all over the US, and that some people
even hear a disturbing music in the southwestern US that can only be
attributed to Queso or some massive underground project in the military
bases of Nevada and New Mexico. What is your gut feeling about what the
govt. is trying to hide about Queso?; why the need for massive security
when the Cheese War is supposedly over?
Do you really doubt that Queso is capable of making a deal with a
supposed alien race?...a deal of, say, allowing these non-yeti to take
pink humans, for experiments, genetic engineering, or merely for a
laugh, for whatever purpose, in exchange for technology surpassing our
own puny human achievements? Extraterrestrials and the yeti who deal
with them have proven themselves worthy of trust, and the actions of
both are indicative of nothing less than a bluff.
Yeti populations through time have often flourished near Queso, partly
because of the slack resources that can be found there, but also because
of the ease of masturbation of people and sex with boats. Observations
about various orgasms and environments were of course a major part of
yeti activities since the earliest times, since the very survival of
early yetijin depended on this knowledge to obtain slack and provide
defense against dangerous pinkboys and animals. Near the end of the
bronze age, the Egyptians were not a slackful people, and the Greek and
Hebrew civilizations had not yet developed to the point where they could
make extensive slack rituals (and no written records are known from that
time). The Phoenicians, however, were accomplished slackers and stoners,
and held beach party's throughout the Mediterranean for the
establishment of yeti colonies. They made voyages outside the Straits of
Gibraltar, into the Atlantic, and held extensive keg'ers along the coast
of Africa. They apparently recognized the higher slack of the yeti, and
considered the possibility of a slack mass that surrounded all worlds.

But let's say for the sake of argument, that Queso did slowly graduate
to yetihood in a slow gradual process, taking millions of years.
Examples of "nearly yeti" bones would certainly be easier to smoke. And
another artifact would be found; A slow and gradual move toward slack.

But what we keep finding are pinkboy toys, with things like Tony danza
fanzines, oversized scarves, reality shows, politicians and even sheep
shagging know-how, such as corporate super hero comics. Yes, you read
that right. Super hero's! In addition, we find all of this in the last
several thousand years. Previous to that? Just Queso. Consider some of
this as archaeological news that continues to "push back" the dates for
"civilized" yeti, and also surprise us with their levels of sophistication!
Based on our "classical" intuition, we would assume that there are only
two possibilities: either the slack has decayed, or it has not.
According to Queso, however, the slack inhabits both states
simultaneously. It is only when an observer actually tries to determine
the state of the slack by measuring it, not unlike how a young man will
often measure his own penis, that the slack function "prollapses," and
the slack assumes just one of its possible states: decayed or undecayed.
The paradox of El Queso has provoked a great deal of debate among the
yeti philosophers. Although some wankers have argued that Queso actually
does not exist, most contend that slack only occurs when a Queso system
is isolated from the rest of its environment. Various explanations have
been advanced to account for this paradox--including the idea that
Queso's, or simply the yeti's physical environment, can act as a slack
As proof let us consider that a 32,000 year old etching on an ivory
mammoth tusk is linked to the constellation Orion which may have been
used as a primitive "pregnancy calendar" designed by Queso to estimate
when it would be ok to have sex without a condom and not get the girl
I, a member of the Hierarchy who necessarily knows more than you do,
tell you today that humanity as a whole (distributed over the entire
planet) has endured already its full quota of slack and that what may
come now of Queso, Touchmonkey and The El Queso Allstars is that which
may prove too much. Just as there is a point in the life of the
individual where he can drink no more but lapses into unconsciousness,
loses his reason, or dies, so it can be equally true of mankind as a
whole. Bear this in mind. It is to this that those who would take no
steps to arrest George W. Bush (because they believe in what they call
the will of God or politics or some beloved ideal) would condemn slack.
I am endeavoring here to give you the wider picture of Queso as I see it
and so to answer some of the problems of your rightly questioning mind.
There is a general principle of timing involved and of the right moments
for masturbation as well as those moments in which inaction is the
correct approach.

END Chapter 1

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