The race for the crack of my ass

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
Date: Sun, Apr 11, 2004

We/I were taking a shower together this fine Easter morn, or afternoon,
and she pointed out that when wet my hair now reaches down to just two
inches above the crack of my ass. I don't mean hair that grows from my
back, I mean hair that starts at the top of my head and falls all the
way down that far, almost INTO my butt. Hair like a vain girl would
have, or some kind of Fabio hippie.

But the hair is getting THINNER and THINNER. If I am backlit, standing
against a bright window, I look baldheaded, like George Carlin, or
Friar Tuck.

So the hairs get longer and longer, but more and more of them fall out,
never to be replaced. (Making fur-balls on my office carpet, and no dog
to blame it on.)

The question: WILL ANY HAIRS SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO THE
CRACK OF MY ASS?

Will there be ONE LAST STRAND manning the fort of my pate... one strand
of gray hair running Quequeg-style down from an otherwise smooth scalp,
but long enough to interfere with ass-wiping? Like a Hare Krishna or an
old-timey Chinaman with a pigtail? Will I arrange it differently, so
that it is pasted up onto the top of my head, coiled in a little
spiral? Or will I just finally get a fucking haircut and give up on
1973? Well, fuck it. I'll tell you what you won't see me do, though.
You won't see me try to "think young" like a pathetic old man, and get
a special "20-somethings-5-years-ago" look like some of my sad hipster
contemporaries, all dolled up with tats and tongue-pins. Although I
guess those sumbitches are LUCKY that "bald" is "in" for now, or was
recently, or something. I never gave a shit about that kind of stuff.
May explain my shitty luck with girls in high school. That and the fact
that my high school had no girls.

The main reason I went into all this was because my ass-crack felt
vulnerable after reading Dean's latest paeans to it, and it was
comforted by the thought of lots of hair fending off any other
bothersome pests that might come sniffing around it.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

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From: KRONOS <null@void.com>

I don't know about you, but I have a giant HAIR ACROSS MY ASS

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From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com> wrote:
Well, fuck it. I'll tell you what you won't see me do, though.
> You won't see me try to "think young" like a pathetic old man, and get
> a special "20-somethings-5-years-ago" look like some of my sad hipster
> contemporaries, all dolled up with tats and tongue-pins.

You don't need a tattoo; you're a human tattoo on the face of the
planetary psyche, although no one in China gives a shit.

> Although I
> guess those sumbitches are LUCKY that "bald" is "in" for now, or was
> recently, or something.

"In", Shmin. You & me are uglier than a third of 6-pack of Nenslos
and WE're gettin' laid. Hell, even NENSLO is getting laid, assuming he
is not lying through his rotting teeth and there is a Mrs. Nenslo who
is not a blind, flat-headed mail-order bride from Fiji. I sure am glad
women have lower standards for physical appearance than men do or
there'd BE no Church of the Subpeenyus & you know it. I love girls.
Open wide for CHUNKY, babeeeeee!

HellPope Huey
Next: Edible Hulk Underoos
for confused manic depressives

It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent.
- Q., "Star Trek, The Next Generation"

Its hard to depurify the permanently besodden.
- Popess Lilith

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From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)

Stang asked:
>The question: WILL ANY HAIRS SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO THE
>CRACK OF MY ASS?

Now, at last, you have something to live for.

======================================================
"Fodam-se os que nao entendem uma piada."

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Original file name: The race for the cra#1AD0AD.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05