Help Me Rhonda

From: "Pretzelcoatl" <pretzel@coatl.atl>
Date: Sun, Aug 31, 2003

You hear this sappy sing along song all your life. It's by this group who to
this day have this officially clean cut "America's Band" image even though
it's well known that they ended up by turns overly drugged, mentally ill,
severly litigious, friends with Manson, friends with that silly Maharishi,
and if you're a Wilson, 2/3 dead. Then you actually listen to the lyrics and
think about them, those lyrics. that ingratiating chant.

What's really going on here is a slightly creepy come-on. My former
girlfriend dumped me, surprise surprise, but here you are, female and
Rhonda-named. Well, well.

Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda / Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda
/ Fuck - me - Rhon-da yeah! / Get her out of my heart.

I wonder if Rhonda helped out?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Pretzelcoatl wrote:
> Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda /
> Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda
> / Fuck - me - Rhon-da yeah! / Get her
> out of my heart.

It's the little old lady who pulls my weiner
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
Likes to shove her finger up my pooter
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
But when I ask her for a little snout
She slams the door when she kicks me out

And everybody's saying there's nobody meaner
Than the little old lady who pulls my weiner
She pulls real fast and she pulls real hard
Must be pullin' my pecker up a damn good yard

It's the little old lady who pulls my weiner

You can see her at her house just gettin' her kicks now
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
With some teenage jock she hits the bricks now
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
She's gonna get busted for drainin' their juices
When the coach finds out why they always loses

And everybody's saying there's nobody meaner
Than the little old lady who pulls my weiner
She pulls real fast and she pulls real hard
I heard she pulled a train on the football squad

It's the liitle old lady who pulls my weiner

But blow granny, blow granny, blow granny blow!
Blow granny, blow granny, blow granny blow!
Blow granny, blow granny, blow granny blow!
Blow granny, blow granny, blow granny blow!

--
"Money can't buy you happiness,
but when you're poor, you can't
buy shit, and nobody will loan
you happiness."
--nu-monet

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

"Pretzelcoatl" <pretzel@coatl.atl> wrote:
>You hear this sappy sing along song all your life. It's by this group who to
>this day have this officially clean cut "America's Band" image even though
>it's well known that they ended up by turns overly drugged, mentally ill,
>severly litigious, friends with Manson, friends with that silly Maharishi,
>and if you're a Wilson, 2/3 dead. Then you actually listen to the lyrics and
>think about them, those lyrics. that ingratiating chant.
>
>What's really going on here is a slightly creepy come-on. My former
>girlfriend dumped me, surprise surprise, but here you are, female and
>Rhonda-named. Well, well.
>
>Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda / Fuck me Rhonda / Fuck-fuck me Rhonda
>/ Fuck - me - Rhon-da yeah! / Get her out of my heart.
>
>I wonder if Rhonda helped out?

Sometimes clean cut all-American wholesome heart-warming
life-affirming puppy-dog-cute icons like that are blood-soaked savage
heathen death sacrifice altars in disguise.

I watched "Ferris Beuler's Day Off" the other night and I was tracing
the career arcs of all associated with it. That movie, to me and the
years I was growing up, perfectly embodied the exuberant optimism of
the time. That 80's sense that all you needed was confidence and
boyish good looks and the world was your oyster; you could write your
own rules, succeed on every front, work magic and be loved by
millions. It perfectly captured the clean-cut boyish confidence that
fueled the neo-conservative 80's.

http://ia.imdb.com/media/imdb/01/I/09/30/71m.jpg

The writer, John Hughes, was one of my boyhood heroes. He wrote for
National Lampoon and I lived for his and PJ O'Rourke's stories. One
of the most memorable was "Vacation '58", which was made into the
"Vacation" series of movies with Chevy Chase.

Another clean-cut super-confident boyish hero, whose career was
essentially scuttled by the Vacation movies and who proved incapable
fo being funny after his brush with drugs, much like that other
clean-cut boyish 70's/80's icon, Robin Williams, who has proved
incapable of being funny since his brush with drugs.

Vacation typifies Hughes' career as a movie writer. After the
original, whose only funny moments were taken from the original
National Lampoon article, the series descended into a terrific assault
of schlock, and were complete critical and box-office flops, each
worse than the last until their success fell so far below the line
that they formed a vacuum sucking in the careers of all those
associated with it. All of his movies have been the most incredible
kind of mindless crap (Beethoven, Home Alone, Maid in Manhatten) but
like some undead monster he has been able to feed on the weak and
appeal to sappy audiences (children and whoever watches sappy romantic
comedies like Maid in Manhatten) sufficiently to shamble on with
enough commercial success to fuel his career.

Long gone is the biting sarcasm and razor-edged social parody of the
National Lampoon days, replaced by exactly the kind of idiot Americana
that he once attacked.

Hughes has proven terminally incapable of being funny since his brush
with the drug-soaked atmosphere of the National Lampoon staff.

Ferris's career arc has been a slow death spiral. A few mediocre
semi-successes have followed but quickly showed that the only traits
he really possesses are the abnormally large eyes and underdeveloped
chin which constitute "boyish" looks; which quickly become freakish
in an older man. Showing no real acting talent, he has been
permanently locked into teenage wise guy roles.

His one attempt to show some form of talent beyond character roles
capitalizing on his abnormal appearance was a complete failure, and he
hasn't tried producing or directing since, evidently accepting his
role as a talentless puppet.

In his personal life he married Ferris Beuler's sister, which probably
shows how the movie affected those making it. Ferris Beuler's mom and
dad were also married in real life after the movie. Ferris and his
sister's marriage ended in an ugly way when Ferris wiped out his new
sports car in Ireland, killing a man an woman and breaking his own leg
while his sister was in his car. Ferris's career was affected badly
by this and the marriage ended.

Likewise, Ferris's best friend Cameron has bounced from one role to
another showing no talent but post-mature boyish good looks. In fact,
Cameron was 30 when the movie was made, a precursor of fizzled career
paths to come.

His girlfriend, Sloane, who had abnormally large eyes and an
underdeveloped chin, has dragged through one forgettable movie after
another and a failed marriage with the boyishly good-looking Jason
Connery.

I hope Ferris enjoyed his day off, because since then the dream has
slowly evolved into a nightmare, the living embodiment of the
creatively and personally bankrupt 80's.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

"Daaarling," said Mama-san, three sheets to the
wind with a broken foremast.

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Original file name: Help Me Rhonda.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05