From: lyonderboy666@hotmail.com (Anti Pope Lupus of
SI)
Date: Fri, May 16, 2003
Please validate me.
I'm just creeped to hell right now. Public bathrooms
are vile, even
work toilets. And people are just too at home there
for my liking.
I need a certain measure of privacy when I take a dump.
It's a sacred
ritual of pleasure and relief. IMPOSSIBLE today.
It's weird when, in a company of less than 80 people
total, half that
many in men manage to keep the stalls completely occupied
with their
grunting, sweaty bodies. Not only that, but when I
manage to get a
moment's peace, someone will bust in, grab the toilet
next to me and
commence shitting. And let there be NO question about
it: the tacky,
pasty sound of someone else taking a shit is just about
the most
revolting sound I can think of.
I cannot shit next to people. My sphincter involuntarily
snaps shut
with such a resound tightness that I could probably
suspend one of
those hard-hat wearing Krazy Glue construction workers
with little
effort. And after 10 seconds of listening to the meaty
sounds next
door, I'm busting out of there.
How do people do it? And how can I concentrate on pretending
to work
when my intestines are packed with turtle-heading feces?
Please help.
-APLY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rabbi Shankar" <me@privacy.net>
Did anyone else read this as "Please violate me?"
> My sphincter involuntarily snaps shut
> with such a resound tightness that I could probably
suspend one of
> those hard-hat wearing Krazy Glue construction
workers with little
> effort.
Hey, Sailor! *quiver*
I guess shitting ON people is really out of the question then.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404subgenius.com>
"Anti Pope Lupus of SI" wrote
> Please validate me.
<snip>
> How do people do it? And how can I concentrate
on pretending to work
> when my intestines are packed with turtle-heading
feces?
HAH HAH HAH! YOU HAVE A JOB!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: <SGSpice@safe-mail.net>
In alt.slack, Anti Pope Lupus of SI said:
>How do people do it? And how can I concentrate
on pretending to work
>when my intestines are packed with turtle-heading
feces?
just shit in the trash can under your desk and then
switch it with your
"favorite" cow-orker when he/she isn't looking.
hth. hand. etc.
--
"If you have a dead line, and cannot make calls,
press 1"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Asquire" <asquire1313@hotmail.com>
Oddly enough, "courtesy flushes" are absent during THIS strange scenario
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Anti Pope Lupus of SI wrote:
> Please validate me.
>
> I'm just creeped to hell right now. Public
> bathrooms are vile, even work toilets. And
> people are just too at home there for my
> liking...
THE TALE OF THE HAUNTED SHITTER
'Twas Brillig and the Spermy Dogs, A Mighty
Pleasure Dome Decree'd, and safely tied Her
to the mast, o'er the tomb of a hundred head.
I don't think I shall ever see, by the shores
Of Gitche Goomee, the Village Smithy standing
There, with Alice, mind all full of bread.
Who, with little lump of leaven, leaveneth the
Whole loaf, shall snicker-snack and wackity
Whack, and turn the mess of pottage into lead.
What scrap of paper this? to wend our merry way,
To Flanders Field, the knight did therefore
Yield, and drank my favorite flavor, Cherry Red.
What, Hark! through yonder window breaks, and
Roar of Lightning, Flash of Thunder, what busts
Our bonds of bondage, and shits us on our bed?
THE HAUNTED SHITTER SITS there still, it's silent
Visage subtly stinking, and makes me ponder, like
The Thinker, that I shall shit there, "Nevermore!"
--
Lose unsightly fat *and* make homemade
soap in just minutes--ask me how!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Wow, and I thought pee-shyness was bad. To be shit-shy... YIKES.
YOU NEED SLACK. AND PRUNES.
(Alternate: enter stall and MASTURBATE LOUDLY, grunting
and groaning
madly, muttering somebody's name worshipfully. Perhaps
"Bob's". Other
stalls will soon empty out. You can just *pretend* to
masturbate, and
just make the noises. But heck, if you're going THAT
far, why not go
all the way.)
--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath
of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Ellis Dee" <fxtrt22@yahoo.com>
"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
wrote in message
> YOU NEED SLACK. AND PRUNES.
>
AND NITROGLYCERIN!
Seriously, a little dab'll do ya (Nitroglycerine Ointment USP, 2%)
Apply 15 minutes beforehand, loosens that smooth muscle
sphincter tissue
right up!
Just don't jump around or attempt to pyroflatulate.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spammers_lie@rrclark.net (Rich Clark, aka Left Rev Egg Plant, ULC, CotSG)
Anti Pope Lupus of SI wrote:
> Please validate me.
There's no way I can do that, your position is totally
antipathic to
my own.
> I'm just creeped to hell right now. Public bathrooms
are vile, even
> work toilets. And people are just too at home
there for my liking.
Ah, yes, they can be dirty places, but probably 100X
cleaner than the
inside of your own mouth. Think about that for a while.
> I need a certain measure of privacy when I take
a dump. It's a sacred
> ritual of pleasure and relief. IMPOSSIBLE today.
I'm of the opinion that when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.
I'm also of
the type of human that said sacramental act is usually
done within 90
seconds or less. Let's just say that it s..l..i..d..e..s
right out.
> It's weird when, in a company of less than 80 people
total, half that
> many in men manage to keep the stalls completely
occupied with their
> grunting, sweaty bodies. Not only that, but when
I manage to get a
> moment's peace, someone will bust in, grab the
toilet next to me and
> commence shitting. And let there be NO question
about it: the tacky,
> pasty sound of someone else taking a shit is just
about the most
> revolting sound I can think of.
Good to see that half the people in your company have
a healthy
attitude toward purging their bowels of undigested food
products.
When that happens, I just kinda say to myself, "Oh,
another one bites
the dust."
> I cannot shit next to people. My sphincter involuntarily
snaps shut
> with such a resound tightness that I could probably
suspend one of
> those hard-hat wearing Krazy Glue construction
workers with little
> effort. And after 10 seconds of listening to the
meaty sounds next
> door, I'm busting out of there.
I can shit whereever and whenever I have to go. I've
been known to
stop in alleys behind grocery stores when the emergent
need has
overtaken me.
> How do people do it? And how can I concentrate
on pretending to work
> when my intestines are packed with turtle-heading
feces?
There's no way that I'm going to fight back a turtle-head.
Just
think, when you get older, your large intestine is going
to be all
torn up and cause you more problems than you've ever
known. Research
"diverticulosis/diverticulitis" and tell me
you'll keep up this sick
practice of holding back your feces when your body is
trying to say,
"Get this SHIT outta me!!!!"
I can't figure you anal retentives out.
Rich
--
"In the anals [sic] of internet history no story
has generated more hilarity
than the day the florida spammers all got together,
pooled their meager
resources, and committed mass-suicide in Federal Court,
while many of
those they were trying to sue nearly died laughing."
Quaestor on NANAE 4/25/03
TINLC Unit #2309 Death to all spammer accounts.
WWSB?
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